The Reedman's Completely Biased AFC Preview
Hello, once again. My name is Greg Reedy and I’m a reporter at the Ridgway Record having a fun and crazy time. First off, I have to thank the Hangover for assigning me to the NFC, the conference generally now regarded as the West Shamokin compared to the AFC’s Kittanning. So I really appreciate having to savor all those teams. Notice also that most of the teams Western PAers hate are in the NFC. 49ers. Cowboys. Eagles. That will make it fun. Even though I will be looking at the NFC this year, I feel obligated to do a complete and useless league preview of all 32 teams with uninteresting factoids and quirks. What time is it? Chamillionaire says it’s “Grind Time.”
AFC East
Buffalo Bills – Ridgway is a gray area between Steelers and Bills fans. But for Buffalo, at least Marv Levy is back. That’s all about they have. They have a 3-headed monster at quarterback. What you talkin about, Willis? I’m talking about another cruddy season. 2006 Finish: 6-10.
Miami Dolphins – Ever know that guy who did nothing but play Dungeons and Dragons? Substitute D and D with football and that guy with Nick Saban. Saban recently turned down dinner with the prez because of football. Oh, and just remember this. Daunte Culpepper is playing in Miami. So is Marcus Vick. Definitely expect an arrest by week 8. 2006 record: 9-7
New York Jets – Will this be the year for Chad (I wish I were left-handed) Pennington? Can he make a throw over 15 yards with that spaghetti strap he calls a right arm? Doubtful. Look for the J-E-T-S to S-U-C-K. 2006 Record: 5-11.
New England Patriots – We get no respect. We get no respect. We get no respect. This will be NE’s rallying cry (and for Tom Brady, I do mean cry) as they look for success and a way to make Bill Belichick not dress like a broke 22-year-old college student at Slippery Rock. Seriously Bill, you don’t want that. 2006 record: 11-5 (Bonus for not playing the Steelers.)
AFC North
Steelers – I’ll admit I’m a Steelers fan. But can the media please not talk about the Steelers every second of the day? Look for the Steelers to be good once again. Unless Big Ben either does one of the following: A) Get on a dirt bike. B) Get injured.) C) Get a girlfriend. Then all bets are off. If Ben gets a girlfriend, don’t let Santonio around her. It’s just common sense. 2006 Record: 11-5
Cincinnati Bengals – Now called the Jail Blazers/Seminoles because of the high number of arrests during the off-season. Should I be surprised? Of course not. But hey, at least they got Chad Johnson to underwhelm the fans as the Bengals continue their strides back toward mediocrity. Oh, and Carson Palmer still has two knees. Now as said before, Johnson has come up with some new celebrations for the year. They are: 1) Dressing up as Santa Claus under his uniform, getting a sleigh full of reindeer and ACTUALLY making them fly. 2) Getting a real Bengal tiger to catch a football while jumping through a hoop. 3) Dancing with the cheerleading squad to the tune of “Getting Dirty.” 4) Changing his number to 86 for the game against the Steelers just so he can imitate Hines Ward. I could definitely see that. 2006: 9-7
Cleveland Browns – Now Performing, it’s “Charlie ‘French’ Frye and the ACL breakers!” including Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards, LeCharles Bentley and the guy who feel from the 10th row because he was too drunk! At least they now serve plastic beer bottles. That’s being environmentally safe. But seriously, this team is becoming the netherregion of the NFL.
Maybe Mark Henry played for the Browns once.
Baltimore Ravens – I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that a lot of my friends are moving to Baltimore or that the Ravens might be good this year. Steve McNair has traditionally owned the Steelers as well. Watch for Brian Billick to have his own spit lane on the sideline while blaming everyone else but himself for his team’s failure. 2006: 8-8
AFC West
Denver Broncos – Everybody hates their current blue uniforms, which is no surprise. Everyone also hates Jake Plummer, for good reason. I mean, did you see that horrendous beard he was growing during the playoffs last season. Him and Ben Roethlisberger, those were gruesome beards. Freakin gruesome. Now Jay Cutler is trying to take over the reins and some running back will run for over 1,000 yards. It could even be me. It could even be Ron Dayne. Now that would be something. 2006: 9-7
KC Chiefs – A few people like this team and they’ve got Larry Johnson so the running game should be OK. But Herm Edwards still coaches the team so expect the team to choke during the playoffs. Just hope the kicker is good. 2006: 11-5
San Diego Chargers – San Diego Superchargers! Sing it like you mean it! It’s all good and then some. I mean, all they have is a quarterback that’s never started an NFL game, Tomlinson, Gates and Marty Schottenheimer. Too bad Berman can’t sing the Supercharger song anymore. At least they have nice weather. 2006: 9-7
Oakland Raiders – There are quite a few Raider fans up here. Too bad the Raiders will dwell in the cellar throughout the season. Seriously, Aaron Brooks is the starting quarterback. Randy Moss is thinking life in Minnesota is pretty good right now. At least we won’t have to hear about all the Raider groveling because of Madden this season like we saw during the freakin Hall of Fame game. Puke. By the way, don’t miss Berman saying the RRRRRRRRRAiders. 2006: 4-12
AFC South
Indy Colts – I think the Colts will be like a John Cena match. It’ll be the same old stuff every game and you know how they’ll finish the season. So they’ll probably win the division and lose in the playoffs. But at least Peyton will throw touchdowns. Let’s go insurance inspectors, let’s go. Colts: 11-5
Jax Jaguars – The team that the NFL likes to forget exists. They’ve got Leftwich and the Steelers still really hate them a lot thanks to that Tommy Maddox game last season. Let’s face it, this team gets forgotten about as quickly as Old Navy’s ugly shorts. 2006: 10-6.
Tennessee Titans – After this season, Jeff Fisher might be the permanent spokesman for the head coach video game. It’ll be 49er-like brutal. Expect Vince Young to play and get mauled. 2006: 3-13
Houston Texans – The Texans have had four consecutive losing seasons. But just think, that’s still 10 behind what the Pirates have gone through. The Texans are the Pirates of the NFL. But at least they tanked against the 49ers to get Reggie Bush, oh right. The Texans thought they didn’t need him. 2006: 3-13
AFC East
Buffalo Bills – Ridgway is a gray area between Steelers and Bills fans. But for Buffalo, at least Marv Levy is back. That’s all about they have. They have a 3-headed monster at quarterback. What you talkin about, Willis? I’m talking about another cruddy season. 2006 Finish: 6-10.
Miami Dolphins – Ever know that guy who did nothing but play Dungeons and Dragons? Substitute D and D with football and that guy with Nick Saban. Saban recently turned down dinner with the prez because of football. Oh, and just remember this. Daunte Culpepper is playing in Miami. So is Marcus Vick. Definitely expect an arrest by week 8. 2006 record: 9-7
New York Jets – Will this be the year for Chad (I wish I were left-handed) Pennington? Can he make a throw over 15 yards with that spaghetti strap he calls a right arm? Doubtful. Look for the J-E-T-S to S-U-C-K. 2006 Record: 5-11.
New England Patriots – We get no respect. We get no respect. We get no respect. This will be NE’s rallying cry (and for Tom Brady, I do mean cry) as they look for success and a way to make Bill Belichick not dress like a broke 22-year-old college student at Slippery Rock. Seriously Bill, you don’t want that. 2006 record: 11-5 (Bonus for not playing the Steelers.)
AFC North
Steelers – I’ll admit I’m a Steelers fan. But can the media please not talk about the Steelers every second of the day? Look for the Steelers to be good once again. Unless Big Ben either does one of the following: A) Get on a dirt bike. B) Get injured.) C) Get a girlfriend. Then all bets are off. If Ben gets a girlfriend, don’t let Santonio around her. It’s just common sense. 2006 Record: 11-5
Cincinnati Bengals – Now called the Jail Blazers/Seminoles because of the high number of arrests during the off-season. Should I be surprised? Of course not. But hey, at least they got Chad Johnson to underwhelm the fans as the Bengals continue their strides back toward mediocrity. Oh, and Carson Palmer still has two knees. Now as said before, Johnson has come up with some new celebrations for the year. They are: 1) Dressing up as Santa Claus under his uniform, getting a sleigh full of reindeer and ACTUALLY making them fly. 2) Getting a real Bengal tiger to catch a football while jumping through a hoop. 3) Dancing with the cheerleading squad to the tune of “Getting Dirty.” 4) Changing his number to 86 for the game against the Steelers just so he can imitate Hines Ward. I could definitely see that. 2006: 9-7
Cleveland Browns – Now Performing, it’s “Charlie ‘French’ Frye and the ACL breakers!” including Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards, LeCharles Bentley and the guy who feel from the 10th row because he was too drunk! At least they now serve plastic beer bottles. That’s being environmentally safe. But seriously, this team is becoming the netherregion of the NFL.
Maybe Mark Henry played for the Browns once.
Baltimore Ravens – I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that a lot of my friends are moving to Baltimore or that the Ravens might be good this year. Steve McNair has traditionally owned the Steelers as well. Watch for Brian Billick to have his own spit lane on the sideline while blaming everyone else but himself for his team’s failure. 2006: 8-8
AFC West
Denver Broncos – Everybody hates their current blue uniforms, which is no surprise. Everyone also hates Jake Plummer, for good reason. I mean, did you see that horrendous beard he was growing during the playoffs last season. Him and Ben Roethlisberger, those were gruesome beards. Freakin gruesome. Now Jay Cutler is trying to take over the reins and some running back will run for over 1,000 yards. It could even be me. It could even be Ron Dayne. Now that would be something. 2006: 9-7
KC Chiefs – A few people like this team and they’ve got Larry Johnson so the running game should be OK. But Herm Edwards still coaches the team so expect the team to choke during the playoffs. Just hope the kicker is good. 2006: 11-5
San Diego Chargers – San Diego Superchargers! Sing it like you mean it! It’s all good and then some. I mean, all they have is a quarterback that’s never started an NFL game, Tomlinson, Gates and Marty Schottenheimer. Too bad Berman can’t sing the Supercharger song anymore. At least they have nice weather. 2006: 9-7
Oakland Raiders – There are quite a few Raider fans up here. Too bad the Raiders will dwell in the cellar throughout the season. Seriously, Aaron Brooks is the starting quarterback. Randy Moss is thinking life in Minnesota is pretty good right now. At least we won’t have to hear about all the Raider groveling because of Madden this season like we saw during the freakin Hall of Fame game. Puke. By the way, don’t miss Berman saying the RRRRRRRRRAiders. 2006: 4-12
AFC South
Indy Colts – I think the Colts will be like a John Cena match. It’ll be the same old stuff every game and you know how they’ll finish the season. So they’ll probably win the division and lose in the playoffs. But at least Peyton will throw touchdowns. Let’s go insurance inspectors, let’s go. Colts: 11-5
Jax Jaguars – The team that the NFL likes to forget exists. They’ve got Leftwich and the Steelers still really hate them a lot thanks to that Tommy Maddox game last season. Let’s face it, this team gets forgotten about as quickly as Old Navy’s ugly shorts. 2006: 10-6.
Tennessee Titans – After this season, Jeff Fisher might be the permanent spokesman for the head coach video game. It’ll be 49er-like brutal. Expect Vince Young to play and get mauled. 2006: 3-13
Houston Texans – The Texans have had four consecutive losing seasons. But just think, that’s still 10 behind what the Pirates have gone through. The Texans are the Pirates of the NFL. But at least they tanked against the 49ers to get Reggie Bush, oh right. The Texans thought they didn’t need him. 2006: 3-13
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