NFL CrimeTime!
As a public service to the fine citizens in all NFL cities and for the coal to add to late show monologue fire, I am here to present the first of what will hope to be reports of the marriage between criminal activity and professional sports.
Aren't you glad you bought that police scanner, after all?
Detroit Lions - assistant defensive line coach Joe Mullen was arrested August 24th in Dearborn, MI after driving while intoxicated. Touchdown. Extra point: and naked. The police report claims he was .04 over the state's legal limit and no mention was made of whether or not he was driving a stick. As to how exactly Mullen got into his birthday suit, a valid explanation would be that drinking is better when naked. Cullen apologized to the team in a written statement: “I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused. These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won’t happen again.’’
I give it 3 weeks.
San Diego Chargers - Chargers linebacker Steve Foley was shot by San Diego police officer Aaron Mansker near his suburban home and is out for the season, thus coinciding with our "Massive Injuries Not Caused By Football" report. Foley was driving at speeds up to 90 mph when Mansker, who was off duty, persued Foley until he stopped near his home. Foley confronted Mansker, resulting in warning shots to avoid pulling a Judd Nelson in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Mansker shot Foley and as of this writing he is in stable condition. What is it with alcohol and pro football these days? Are they more like a marriage or a frequent cat house visitor? Santonio Holmes gives no comment on that joke.
Denver Broncos - Further proving that Colorado is a hot bed for crime, Broncos QB and reigning NFL Ugly Beard champion Jake Plummer will not face a trial in a road rage incident with victim Doug Stone last April. The case is over Stone asking Plummer for a $26 check to repair his license plate holder on his 1992 Ford Ranger. The entire incident occured when Plummer cut in front of Stone, and then later apologized, causing Stone to bump Plummer's back end Jeff Garcia-style and smash his own license plate holder.
This crime story is lame because no alcohol is involved.
The last time an event involving a Bronco, a highway, and two vehicles happened in California and was blown way out of proportion that this.
That does it for this edition of NFL CrimeTime. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to fire up the Delorean and return that last joke to 1994.
Aren't you glad you bought that police scanner, after all?
Detroit Lions - assistant defensive line coach Joe Mullen was arrested August 24th in Dearborn, MI after driving while intoxicated. Touchdown. Extra point: and naked. The police report claims he was .04 over the state's legal limit and no mention was made of whether or not he was driving a stick. As to how exactly Mullen got into his birthday suit, a valid explanation would be that drinking is better when naked. Cullen apologized to the team in a written statement: “I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused. These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won’t happen again.’’
I give it 3 weeks.
San Diego Chargers - Chargers linebacker Steve Foley was shot by San Diego police officer Aaron Mansker near his suburban home and is out for the season, thus coinciding with our "Massive Injuries Not Caused By Football" report. Foley was driving at speeds up to 90 mph when Mansker, who was off duty, persued Foley until he stopped near his home. Foley confronted Mansker, resulting in warning shots to avoid pulling a Judd Nelson in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Mansker shot Foley and as of this writing he is in stable condition. What is it with alcohol and pro football these days? Are they more like a marriage or a frequent cat house visitor? Santonio Holmes gives no comment on that joke.
Denver Broncos - Further proving that Colorado is a hot bed for crime, Broncos QB and reigning NFL Ugly Beard champion Jake Plummer will not face a trial in a road rage incident with victim Doug Stone last April. The case is over Stone asking Plummer for a $26 check to repair his license plate holder on his 1992 Ford Ranger. The entire incident occured when Plummer cut in front of Stone, and then later apologized, causing Stone to bump Plummer's back end Jeff Garcia-style and smash his own license plate holder.
This crime story is lame because no alcohol is involved.
The last time an event involving a Bronco, a highway, and two vehicles happened in California and was blown way out of proportion that this.
That does it for this edition of NFL CrimeTime. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to fire up the Delorean and return that last joke to 1994.
posted by Gary at
10:57 PM
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