Week 16 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
My girlfriend doesn't wear pink jerseys at home games

Miami at New England - Miami is currently the hottest 1-13 team in the league with a 1 game winning streak, naturally to end this week against the Cobra Kai of the NFL, the #1 draft pick and Coach Bill Parcells for next season. Cam Cam, it was fun for us while it lasted. Tom Brady at the Pats got one step closer to the top of the $25,000 Pyramid with a win that was already over by the 1st half, yet Brady still found time to be gay I mean throw 2 INTs just to tease the Dolphins with a comeback. With the apperent good news for Miami that the season is almost over, Joey Porter looked to increase his trade value with 4 tackles, 2 sacks, and 1 forced fumble in this game. Patriots aim for 16-0 against the Giants in a game no one will see on the NFL Network this Thursday. YOUR FINAL: Warm Champagne 28, Jack Spanky's Pop Warner Dolphins 7

Oakland at Jacksonville - We could very well consider this game a game of almosts: Almost a Jacksonville Quad-14, almost a 50-steak, almost assault charges for Warren Sapp's 3 unsportsmanlike calls and following ejection, and almost a close game for Oakland standards. JaMarcu$ Ru$$ell got the late season start and held out for a rookie statline of 7/23 for 83 yards, 1 TD, and 3 INTs. Maybe if he showed up to camp back in August with everyone at the same time. Jacksonville's running game could be the only thing that can stop the Patriots in the playoffs, and voltroned with Manning and Madden's 3rd chin could be the Ultraman we need. Ok way too many Japanglish references there. YOUR FINAL: JAX Ground 49, Warren Sapp's Tampa Bay Sandy Mangina 11


Cleveland at Cincy - Steelers already played and won on Thursday as we were treated to Bryant Gumbel being muted for Hilgrove and Tunch. Where is your emmy now? Should Cincy win this game, then the Steelers would win the AFC North and clinch a playoff spot while Cleveland would still have to fight for a wild card spot. While this wasn't the absurd pointsfest like it was earlier in the season, it proves that when Ohio plays, crazy things happen. Cleveland's Derek "HORSE BALLS!" Anderson threw 4 INTs while Carson *Sanford and Son* Palmer added 2 INTs of his own. Cleveland must have the Titans lose next week to make the playoffs. Chad Johnson will get fined next week in a stunt involving a shark tank and Ronnie Kineval. YOUR FINAL: "Cincy played like 3 years ago" 19, "Cleveland played like 3 years ago" 14

THE LIST

1) NFL Network (NFL) - Most cable subscribers in the nation won't get the Patriots 16-0 game - However, CBS and NBC will be carrying the Saturday night game. Eat it, Eisen.

2) Eli Manning (NYJ) - 7/15 for 111 yards, 2 INTs, 5 fumbles (2 lost) - Might want to test out that second sport now, Bucco.

3) Jon Ryan (GB) - fumbled snap, 2 blocked punts, 9 yard shank punt - YOU'RE KILLING ME, SMALLS'S COUSIN!!

4) Brodie Croyle - 9/12 for 69 yards, 1 INT returned for TD, injured - You got injured on a dive/tackle. WOOP!

5) Tie - Jamarcu$ Ru$$ell (OAK) - 7/23 for 83 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs - Warren Sapp (OAK) - Ejected following 3 Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalties - Oakland's getting back to the MH limelight like last year.

Week 15 AFC Recap (finally)

Gary Ashley
Your Own Personal Santa Claus

No List, let's hurry.

Baltimore at Miami - Leave it up to the most incompetent team in the NFL to blow two perfect seasons against New England and now giving Miami their first win. The '72 Dolphins were honored at halftime and Don Shula coached the second half. Baltimore is dead to me. YOUR FINAL: '76 Bucs Champagne Corks 22, Billick's Pink Slip 16

New England at NY Jets - Boring. Chad Pennington returned, it didn't matter, Patriots would be 15-1 thanks to Baltimore. But that simply didn't happen. YOUR FINAL: Bill's Hoody 20, JVC 10

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh - If there's one thing we've learned from this game is that Jacksonville's got a pretty good ground game, better than FedEx. Pittsburgh receives their first home loss of the season and unfortunately keeps Cleveland close in the division race. YOUR FINAL: Crazy Cats 29, Sophie Maslov 22

Week 15 NFC review

By Greg Reedy
NFC distraction

So anyways, we had our championship this week and the team lost 74-71 in the fantasy world of football. Ranting to follow.

Atlanta - Tampa Bay - So anyways, I'm pretty sure the Falcons and whoever the coach is right now didn't show up. Tampa got a couple defensive touchdowns and meanwhile they forgot that Rocket starting wide receiver Joey Galloway needed to have a good game for me this week. This was the game that Fox switched to a good game in the fourth. Tampa Bay Defense 38, Atlanta High School 7

Green Bay - St. Louis - Both running backs for me were in this game. Ryan Grant for GB had a decent game and Steven Jackson for the Rams had actually a pretty good game. Brett Favre broke the record for all-time passing yards and John Madden drooled about it. Packers a lot, Rams not so much.


Philly - Dallas - The most frustrating game of the year for me. There's one person to blame for me losing this week. Jessica Simpson. Simpson is now dating Tony Romo and decided that this week would be the first game that she would watch him play. Romo was obviously nervous and played the wrost game possibly ever. If he had played even a decent game, I probably win. Jessica Simpson probably doesn't even know what fantasy football is. The real game was pretty boring. Eagles 10, Cowboys 6

Week 15 Picks

Quick news and notes from this week in the NFL:

NFL CRIMETIME!
Convicted: Michael Vick, 23 months for the most obvious reasons as you may have heard by now. He probably won't be playing football in prison or be the backup QB for Burt Reynolds against the guards. (Every media outlet you can think of)

Cited: Denver Broncos punter/kicker Todd Sauerbrun for intoxication and punching a cab driver. He was held overnight in a cell for detox and played Thursday against Houston. Whether or not without the hangover, either. (Denver Post)

The Birds Gets Flipped: Former Atlanta Falcons Head Coach Bobby Petrino has quit the team with 3 weeks left in the season and has signed with Arkansas for the head coach position at that school. He wrote a letter to all players instead of meeting with them in person, which has drawn the ire of teammates and the general sports media. At least Cam Cam's going to last an entire season. (Sports by Brooks)

The 42 year plan: 42 years ago Joe Namath left Alabama 15 credits shy of a degree to become a Super Bowl winning QB and kissing Suzy Kolber on ESPN. Fast forward to today and he will graduate with a BA from 'Bama. Depending on the job market Namath, much like most recent college graduates, will have a tough time getting his first job out of college.

CIDNKILF: Comedian I Do Not Know I'd Like to F***: 46 year old Comedian Lisa Lampenelli claims to have had sexual relations with a member of the Chicago Bears in Philadelphia in October. As much as I'd like to continue about this story, I can't think of anything funny for it.

Deadspin just crapped themselves: Bears QB/Alcoholic/Neckbeard Kyle Orton will be starting at QB this Monday against the Vikings. Sexy Rexy and Griese Lightning will have to wait as the Deadspin HOF member, known primarily for his candid drunken photography, will lead the team to a sure loss and a spot on The List this week.

Week 15 Picks

Gary Says:

Baltimore at Miami - Baltimore, but given the Ravens incompetency lately, this could be Miami's first win and another streak messed up on the season.

NY Jets at New England - SpyGate 2, which is going to be about as good as Spy Kids 2. New England by 300 points.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh by 10.

Reedy's Fantasy Football team is in the championships this weekend, thus he's picked games with his team starters.

Reedy Says:

Green Bay at St. Louis - Rams RB Stephen Jackson starting
Philadelphia at Dallas - Cowboys QB Tony Romo starting
Atlanta at Tampa Bay - The Post-Bobby Petrino Era starts this week

Week 14 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
Pissed at Christmas

Miami at Buffalo - The sign that your team is gonna be 0-16 this year is when a Buffalo QB throws 4 TDs in one game. Another sure sign is when your starting QB throws 1/2 for 6 yards, Sacked 3 times, and a fumble returned for a TD. Another definite sign is when you turn the ball over 5 times in a game and fumble a total of 8 times with only 3 being a loss of posession. Another sure sign is when the alumni of the last undefeated season gets cranky at the threat of New England beating them, only the same thing occurs with the 1976 Bucs. The Miami Dolphins should have an asterisk next to their record because they only lost 6 games by 3 points or less and they played on a horrible field against the Steelers. YOUR FINAL: Jim Kelly 38, "Ace Ventura Gave Up, Dan" 17

Pittsburgh at New England - sniff...sniff sniff...eww...what's that smell coming from the Steelers backup players bench? Is that Anthony Smith? And he reeks of...sniff sniff...ICY HOT! Yes the one man you can blame for making a false guarantee is the reason why the Patriots are going undefeated this season and the reason why the Steelers lost...oh, and why he gave up 14 points on two TD passes also. It was a case for the Steelers of being outplayed and having a mouthy backup Safety on your team who will no doubt be traded to the Dolphins next season. Patriots will close out the season playing the NY Jets, Miami, and the NY Giants. Don Shula is a sad panda. YOUR FINAL: 7th Gate of Hell Opening 34, Let's Give Anthony Smith "The Maddox" 13

Indianapolis at Baltimore - There was a time seven weeks ago when the Ravens were 4-2. This was before they caught Type A Fumblitis. Kyle Boller, in for the injured Steve McNair who needed snow tires and an oil change, threw 19/25 for 1 TD and 3 INTs while Peyton Manning posted 4 passing TDs and a game that was over by the 1st quarter. We then were treated to Madden's 4th quarter Christmas shopping stories. Is this writer's strike over yet? Baltimore plays winless Miami next week in what could be Miami's best chance to get The Uno. Indy will have to wait till the playoffs to extract revenge on New England. YOUR FINAL: Peyton's Pep Talk 44, The Reason Why the Colts Left Baltimore 20

THE LIST

1) Anthony Smith (PIT) - Guranteed victory over New England, lost, got burnt on 2 Patriots TDs - Art Rooney would put his cigar out in your eye if he had the chance.

2) Miami - 8 total fumbles (5 recovered, 3 lost), 2 INTs - Seriously, is the gym teacher gonna clamp down on this team for lack of effort? Up on A Section.

3) Vinny Testaverde (CAR) - 13/28 for 84 yards, 1 INT returned for TD

4) The Infrequented Backups - Billy Volek (SD) - 0/2, 1 INT; Kerry Collins (TEN) - 1/3 for -2 yards; Andrew Walter (OAK) - 5/8 for 38 yards - I thought Andy Walter was still playing in NFL Europa. Great to see last year's MVP Lister get in the game.


Heisman....Oh wait, Tim Tebow's a Sophmore!? AWWW CRAP! MIAMI'S SCREWED NEXT YEAR! We got to rename this now:

"Best Ohio State Draft Pick" Watch:

1) Miami 0-13
2) Atlanta, NY Jets, San Francisco, St. Louis 3-10

Week 14 NFC Review

By Greg Reedy
NFC Fantasy Football Guy

Let's do this like Brutus.

Eagles-Giants - In the token 1 p.m. Fox regional games, we saw the Eagles nearly pull out the Pepto-Bismol and the upset at the same time. Unfortunately, the Eagles have now forgotted how to win and Eagles fans have not forgotten how to boo. Meanwhile, the Giants are now 9-4 and Keith Olbermann just used the same catch phrase for the 24th time this year. How is he on TV? Oh right, it's NBC. They're trying to be funny. Giants 16, Eagles 13

Cowboys-Lions - Tony Romo is the man. After being down by a score of 27-14, Romo came back with 2 touchdowns in the fourth to rally the Boys against the Kitty Kats and a team that apparently does not know they are allowed to beat a quality team. That's five, FIVE straight losses and the Garfields look finished this year. At least the Kittens don't have to wear the black unis again this year. Way to go. Romos 28, Kitnas 27

Raiders-Packers - Cold, Cold, Cold. No this doesn't describe the frozen tundra or Angela Martin's personality on the Office (Wait, I forgot that show. Do they still make new episodes? Oh right, the writers think they are underpaid!), it means Oakland's offense. Two return touchdowns by the same guy and another one called back from Atari Bigby. We even had an Andrew Walter sighting. Good golly. Cheese 38, Whine 7

Earlier this season, one certain AFC expert made fun of me and my fantasy football team. Well, I have decided to put up this poster and silence the critics.

Week 14 Picks

(Programming Note: Due to a scheduling conflict and general busyness with the holiday season, the season finale of the Monday Hangover Radio Show will be postponed until December 28th. We apologize for this late notice.)

Week 14 Picks

Gary Says: New England over Pittsburgh (You can thank Anthony Smith for that one), Buffalo over Miami, Indianapolis over Baltimore

Reedy Says: Green Bay over Oakland, Dallas over Detroit, Philadelphia over NY Giants

Week 13 NFC recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC good times

Seattle-Philly: AJ Feeley sure did a nice job as the starting quarterback: Three INTs and a chokejob later on. Seattle ran the ball in the mud and the slop and Philly just went and flopped. Seattle 34, Philly 28

Vikings - Lions - Oy, the Lions are tanking. Minnesota actually looks pretty good. Funny how that works. Good job getting to 10 wins, Lions. Vikings 42, Lions 10

Bears - Giants - Just fantastic quarterback play from the epicness of Rex and Eli. Somehow, Eli won and Rex lost. Giants 21, Bears 16.

Fantasy team in the league semis this week. Facing a tough matchup this week, but we got a chance.

Week 13 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
The Best and Worst Conference

NY Jets at Miami - The #1 and #2 draft picks for next April faced off this week who would win: angry NY sports bloggers, or Cam Cam's Pop Warner (not Kurt Warner) Football League. If you said "Angry NY Sports Bloggers by a lot of points," then prepare to Digg it, Fark it, or note that it's Something Awful. Miami Rookie QB John Beck literally handed the Jets the game, going 23/39 for 177 yards, 3 INTs, and 2 lost fumbles. Not since Brett Favre in his kindasorta-retirement year has that many turnovers been issued. Dolphins DB "The Mouth of South Florida" Joey Porter had the best game all season with 1 Sack and 1 INT, but you're team still lost by a large amount and is running away with the Heisman draft pick. Cam Cam took the team to Pizza Hut afterwards. YOUR FINAL: New York Titanics 40, Heisman Pose 13

Jacksonville at Indianapolis - At this time last season Jacksonville came into Indy to prove that Indy's run defense needed massive improvement. Putting up near 150 yards total rushing against the Colts wasn't bad, but not as much as last year's blowout. Tony Dungy was the winner of the "Buy 2, Get 1 Free" deal for play challenges, reversing two fumble calls in favor of the Colts. Jacksonville QB David Gerrard threw his first INT in over 200 passes, then again no one outside of cable sports picked up on that stat or that Jacksonville still has a football team. Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio de Janeiro made the wrong call opting to kick it deep and hope his defense would stop the Colts offense. You can't stop Peyton Manning, nor hope to contain him. Colts take sole posession of the AFC South, and then later soul posession of Tom Brady at a later time. YOUR FINAL: Peyton's Trippy Hotel Hallway Funhouse 28, Maurice Navidad 25

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - To answer your first question, the field was fine. To answer your second question, yes Chad Johnson still hasn't scored a passing TD at Heinz Field. Pittsburgh didn't have as smooth of a game with 4 turnovers, 2 from RB Willie Parker fumbles and 2 INTs from Ben Roethlisberger. Parker needs treated at UPMC for fumbulitis. We've concluded that Al Michaels hates Pittsburgh solely on the basis of the Primanti's sandwich in which he botched the pronunciation once more and refused to comment on whether or not he would eat such a thing. Madden however ordered 5 at halftime. Speaking of halftime, the greatest moment in the history of Sunday Night Football came at halftime when they showed Jerome Bettis entering a Steelers-friendly bar in New York to a massive reaction. Meanwhile, former Bengal/doucherocket Cris Collinsworth was shown at a "Bengals Bar" reading the newspaper with little noise made. Dude. You just got Jer0wn3d. Steelers pick up the win and eliminate the Bengals from the playoffs. Or was that earlier? YOUR FINAL: Jer0wnEd Bettis 24, Collinsworth sucks regardless of what network he's on 10

THE LIST

1) John Beck (MIA) - 23/39 for 177 yards, 3 INTs, 2 Fumbles - Let's hope they draft a QB...

2) Baltimore Ravens - 3 easy opportunities to give New England their first loss of the season on Monday night, but messed up and lost - The teenager who's always high that works at McDonalds is more competent that this entire team. I hate them with equal amounts as Tom Brady.

3) Joey Harrington (ATL) - 17/34 for 184 yards, 1 INT, pulled in 4th quarter - In the words of Reedy, "He got pulled for Chris Freaking Redman!"

4) Jay Cutler (DEN) - 16/32 for 214 yards, 2 INTs - Thanks to him and this drubbing, we got to see Jamarcus play and see if that holdout was worth it.

5) Tyler Thigpen (KC) - 2/6 for 41 yards, 1 INT - who?

Honorable Mentions: San Francisco's 6 turnovers, A.J. Feeley's 4 INTs

Race for the Heisman (Draft Pick)
4 Games Remaining

Miami 0-12
Atlanta, NY Jets, San Francisco, St. Louis 3-9
Baltimore, Cincinnati, Kansas City, Oakland 4-8

Week 13 Picks

From Thursday Night: With only Reedy watching, Romo and the Cowboys beat Brett Favre and Green Bay with Favre getting injured in the second half. The entire state of Wisconsin is under a state of emergency following the game. The real losers of this game were the 141.3 million Americans who couldn't watch this massive matchup because it was on the NFL Network, a channel only middle-aged football hipsters, fantasy football nerds, and sports writers named Reedy can watch. In case you weren't mad over missing this one, should New England go to 15-0, their possible "16-0" game is on the NFL Network. Cris Collinsworth can go jump off a bridge with Bryant Gumbel.

NFL CRIMETIME, weekend update - Sentenced: Two of Mike Vick's friends, 18 months for Purnell A. Peace and 21 months for Quanis L. Phillips for the whole Mike Vick kennel deal.
Drunk and Arrested: Denver Broncos 3rd string QB Darrell Hackney Saturday night.
Arrested and a total moron: Eric Rivera, 17, along with three others for burglary and the death of Redskins CB Sean Taylor. From the Yahoo Sports Article:

"On Rivera's MySpace page, he posed for pictures lying in bed with $100 bills strewn atop him and fanning a wad of cash in front of his face. The page is wallpapered with images of money, the text atop it green. The 17-year-old sandwiches his alias, Mr. Florida, between dollar signs and lists counting money among his interests.
Rivera last logged onto his MySpace page sometime Friday, when he rated his mood with an off-color word for angry."

Nice job, Tony Montana. Expect a "friend request" in the shower room at jail.

Broken Weiner - A few letters away from Chris Weinke for having the funniest last name in the league, Falcons OT Todd Weiner was placed on injured reserve this week due to cartiledge damage. Doctors were notified of the injury after it lasted 6 hours. Yet another low blow for the Falcons season. I could go on for days with this one.

Week 13 Picks

Gary Says: NY Jets over Miami, Indianapolis over Jacksonville, Pittsburgh over Cincinnati (SNF)

Reedy Says: Seattle over Philadelphia, Minnesota over Detroit, Chicago over NY Giants in the Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week

A special reminder that next week will the Season Finale for the Monday Hangover Radio Show with our guest Myron Cope of the Myron Cope Soundboard and Reedy puts his web knowledge to the test in "website/not a website NFL edition!"