Are You Retarded?

There are times in our lives when the brain is not functioning 100% correctly. In the NFL and those associated with it this week, apperently this was either an off-week or just a normal week depending on your opinions of intellectual capacity.

Three stories were selected for this experiment to figure out if said subject was in fact, retarded. We will use a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is a miscommunication and 10 is terminal brain damage.

1) Shutout Blowout Sale - Before Chicago's Week 1 matchup with the rival Packers, a Chicago furniture store owner made a deal that would give its customers free furniture should da Bears blank the Packers for the first time in series history and in Grandpa Favre's career. Sure enough, the 26-0 blanking of the Packers lead to some empty warehouses and truckloads of furniture. All total the owner gave away $300,000 worth of free funiture to customers honoring his word. It could have been worse though; Had he owned an Ikea, you would have won $10,000 in lumber, screws, and metal rods with a bunch of instructions.
Rating: 2. The likelihood of a shutout was a rarity and made for some newsworthy news. The rating goes up if he offers it again this season, if ever.

2) Icy Hot Chicken Man - You may know Bengals Wide Receiver "Icy Hot" Chad Johnson from his brash and outspoken personality, or from his touchdown dances or being put in his place by Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward. But now you can refer to Chad Johnson as "The Chicken Man." An Ohio Oktoberfest festival is holding the world's largest chicken dance and has chosen Chad Johnson as the dance maestro of the event. Previous year's hosts have included Weird Al Yankovic, Tony Orlando, and "Mini-Me" Vern Troyer. I bet VH1 is writing the checks right now for another round of The Surreal Life.
Rating: 6. This is a generous 6 considering Mr. Johnson likes weddings, dancing, and hosting insignificant events such as this and when the Steelers beat them in the Divisional playoffs. SLAM.

3) Sports Illusionrated, the comedy writes itself - From the magazine that brought you 57 pages of beer and car ads, hot females wearing nothing but a fresh coat of Sherwin-Williams, and the proclaimation of Tom Brady as the greatest QB ever comes another round of absoludicry that is near-off the scale. In his weekly predictions SI columnist Peter King predicted Baltimore would beat Oakland 51-3 in Week 2. “The Raiders might be the worst team in the history of the world. Fitting that Aaron Brooks is the quarterback.” Worst team in the world? Mr. King I suggest you study tapes of the Washington Generals generals before you make such a statement.
Rating: 11. Never have I heard a statement where "Baltimore Ravens winning" and "51 points" were in the same sentence. And the fact that Baltimore's inadequate offense would put up that large number is a joke considering they would allow just a field goal in that game also.

Peter King, you're retarded.