Week 4 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
The '72 Dolphins are laughing at me

Oakland at Miami – I’m sad to say it, but Joey Porter is now officially dead to me. After guaranteeing victory over Oakland I got suckered into his rhetoric and picked Miami over Oakland. As the scoreboard and first missed pick of the season would tell you, Joey Porter is a liar. Oakland QB Dante Culpepper returned to face the team he part-time played for last season and efficiently rumbled over them with 5/12 for 75 yards, 2 TDs passing and 7 for 28 yards and 3 TDs rushing. It should also be noted that Oakland RB Justin “Umaga” Fargas managed 179 yards rushing. Miami QB Trent Green wish he had legs like that throwing 14/25 for 158 yards, 1 TD and 2 INTs. As for Joey Porter? 3.5 tackles on the day. Oakland becomes an actual team at the 1/4^th mark while Miami becomes the new Oakland. YOUR FINAL: Dante Culpepper 35, Joey Porter’s Mouth 17

Denver at Indianapolis – Denver has the mile high air. Indy has the loud stadium. We can only play this at one location. Denver found either the mute or SAP button on the remote to the RCA Dome jumping out to a 14-0 halftime lead. The Colts, being competitive sandbaggers and all, jump right back into gear with 24 second half points for the win. Peyton Manning with an average game of 20/27 for 193 yards, 3 TDs passing, 1 TD rushing, and -4 yards rushing while mile-high club member Jay Cutler goes 13/21 for 131 yards, 1 TD passing, 1 TD rushing, and 1 INT. Colts play Tampa Bay next week possibly without Marvin Harrison or Joseph Addiddilydai, both injured in this game. YOUR FINAL: Injuries in the wrong places 38, More Home Games 20

Kansas City at San Diego – Priest Holmes versus LaDainian Tomlinson, the battle for fantasy football running back supremacy. Of course having a crappy coach for San Deimus doesn’t help the cause much for the entire frickin team. Norv Turner’s Oakland days came back in a wrong way as last season’s 15-1 Chargers are now this season’s 1-3 angry fan base. Expect the “Fire Norv Turner” domains to be popping up. YOUR FINAL: KC Masterpiece 30, San Diego Chicken 16

THE LIST
(of players to be shot out of a cannon if things get desparate)

Trent Dilfer (SF) - 12/33 for 128, 2 INT, 1 Fumble - Replacing Alex Smith after one pl...wait, you're still playing football?

Philip Rivers (SD) – 21/42 for 211 yards, 2 INT, 1 Fumble - When Norv Turner runs your team, it's a trickle effect.

Joey Porter (MIA) – Guaranteed a Miami win, Miami lost 35-17 - those kinda statements only happen with winning teams, douchebag.

Marc Bulger (STL) – 11/24 for 114 yards, 1 INT - It's bad when you get replaced by a guy who's played for 7 different NFL teams.

David Carr (CAR) – 19/41 for 155 yards, 1TD, 1 INT - First time he makes The List this season as a Panther. And diving for 1st down is worthy of a highlight, but totally illogical.