Week 5 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
The guy who called shenanigans

Seattle at Pittsburgh – FOX Television? Bring your tin foil. Joe Buck? Bring your shower radio with WDVE on the preset. 21 point shutout? Bring out your dead. The highly anticipated Super Bowl XL rematch was the final U in the STF_ puzzle from the Steeler Nation to the largest crybaby fan base since Jeff George. Thankful that they didn’t play against Ken Weaselnuts or any other ex-Steeler coach, Coach Tomlin and the usual ones came one first quarter TD away from a Quad-7. For those wondering, a Quad-7 is when you score 4 TDs, one in each quarter. It just looks cool on a scoreboard. Mike Saddlebag (or Matt Hasselbeck to non-eagle eye readers) threw 13/27 for 116 yards and 1 INT in what the NFL Network calls “horrendous.” Gene Shalet calls Najeh Davenport’s 7 carries for 58 yards and 2 TDs game “absolutely Najeh-ating!” Seattle finally gives up the argument and goes back to blogging on WiFi in the Heinz Field restrooms. Steelers have a bye next week, so now’s the time to get that deck finished you started when training camp began in July, yinzer. Courtesy flush and refresh your browser. YOUR FINAL: 75 Years of Kicking Your Ass 21, Bird Poop 0

Miami at Houston – Flashback to Week 1, 2006 Season: Trent Green leaves the game after getting damn-near crippled in a game with Kansas City. Flashforward to Week 5, 2007 Season: Trent Green leaves the game in a quantum leap effect where the former hits like a sonic boom and causes it again. Trent Green took a stiff knee to helmet much like the instructor of a woman’s self-defense class and lay motionless before being carted off. In comes the janit…I mean backup QB “Madam” Cleo Lemon, who was a late-season MH favorite for replacing former bum Joey Harrington. Fortune would have it that he goes 15/27 for 151 yards and 1 INT in a close loss to the Texans. Houston can share their pain, they used to be a horrible football team. In fact, the last time we saw this much football prowless in Houston was when the Oilers were around and Jeff Fisher wasn’t using Just for Men on the ‘stache. Both Miami’s Jay Feely and Houston’s Kris Brown combined for 9 total field goals, most of them from 50+ yards or more. It could have been a possible 10 but Miami Head Coach Cam Cameron (or Cam Cam for short) opted to call time and punt the ball, leading to Houston’s game winner. In other news, Joey Porter had 2.5 tackles and promised victory in Guitar Hero against his nephew. YOUR FINAL: Kid has the boot 22, Coach is getting the boot 19

San Diego at Denver – Aptly named the Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week as this game wrecked more havoc than a Chili Cheeseburger at Fran’s Diner. After scoring their first possession, San Diemus added one more on a house-taking fumble recovery 11 seconds later on the kickoff to Denver. Travis Henry must’ve been “burning leaves” and the entire team felt it. King Philip (Rivers) came over for great spaghetti throwing 13/18 for 270 yards, 2 TDs, and 1 rushing TD while Jay Cutler left with heartburn and 23/36 for 232 yards and 1 INT that Rich Eisen described as “the cornerback could have called for a fair catch.” Denver plays the Steelers in a fortnight. YOUR FINAL: Norv’s Cooking 41, Jason Elam 3

THE LIST
(of coaches that made decisions bad enough to be elected to a government position)

Bobby Petrino (Head Coach, ATL) – Titans commit 5 turnovers and win, pulled Joey Harrington (16/31 for 87 yards, 1 INT returned for TD) for Byron Leftwich (2/8 for 28 yards, 1 INT) in the 3^rd quarter, proceed to lose on the last series of downs at the 1 yard line – If I had the power, this entire team would be on the list this week.

Rod Marinelli (Head Coach, DET) – Monday Afternoon Live Press Conference – 1:13 mark: “How do you know what is a kick in the butt?” Ahh, NFL Coaches say the darndest things.

Cam Cam (Head Coach, MIA) – opts to pass on a 50+ field goal and punt the ball, Houston wins on a last minute field goal – This is the second straight week a Miami Dolphin that is not a QB has been on The List.

Fantasy Owners that Drafted Larry Johnson (Head Coach, Your Team) – 9 carries for 12 yards – You could have spent that pool money on food for the homeless.