Week 4 QuickPicks

News from around the league this week:

No matter how much you polish it, a turd is still a turd - Rex Grossman has lost his starting QB job in Chicago thanks to his horrid playing this week. And it only took you one entire season and a Super Bowl appearance to make this decision? He will be replaced by former interception-prone QB from Denver, Brian Griese. Dubbed as the "most unstable stable of QBs" in the league by sports blog Deadspin, rounding out this motley trio is Kyle Orton, who is more famous for being in drunken photographs online shirtless rather than throwing the ball. He might be mildly retarded as well. (NFL.com)

Paul Brown Stadium...FOR ME TO POOP ON! - As if being the AFC North wasn't a large enough problem, the Cincy Bengals have a growing problem at Paul Brown Stadium with a flock of seag...well...pigeons crapping in excess during the games. This is the first time that the Bengals have faced this much crap since Chad Johnson's conference calls. Stadium staff will look to eradicate the bird problem by employing volunteers with firearms. Not making that up. And in other news, don't attend the Wingfest next week. (Cincy Enquirer)

Joey Porter: Same Joey, Different Team - It should be known that former Steeler, current Fish Joey Porter has been known to speak his mind and make rash decisions. This is noted by his speeches during the Super Bowl as a Steeler and his poor career choice of becoming a Dolphin. This week the 0-3 Dolphins face the Jokeland Raiders (1-2, cause they beat the Lions) in a game where Joey Porter says the Dolphins will win. The equivalent of this statement is like betting on black AND red in roulette. (NFL.com)

You only subscribe for the girls and the beer ads - Sports Illusionrated continues to overhype the sports world in a way they see fit, in a way that FOX News overhypes reality. This is demonstrated by their latest article of the newest QB prospect you've never heard of...because he's 11 years old. David Sills is enrolling at a QB school whose past clients include:

- Matt Leinart (Interception Prone and tendency to fire "complete passes" to girlfriend for delivery)

- Ben Roethlisberger (Interception Prone in 2006 and when coming back from injury)

- J. P. Loserman (Very Interception Prone, currently injured)

- Jimmy Clausen (entered Notre Dame this year as a top QB prospect, yet Notre Dame is 0-5 on the season)

Davey, there's a place waiting for you on The List about 8-10 years from now. (Sports Illustrated)

AFC and NFC Week 4 QuickPicks

Keeping the streak alive in the AFC, Gary says:

Miami over Oakland - Joe(y) said it would.
Indianapolis over Denver - Indy will blow a 20 point lead and almost lose.
San Diego over Kansas City - Battle of fantasy running back all-stars.

Keeping the fantasy team $25 investment alive in the NFC, Reedy says:

Pittsburgh over Arizona - If Tomlin was Mangini, he would protest that Arizona already knows the Steeler's offense.

Houston over Atlanta - Houston is no longer the playground victim.

Green Bay over Minnesota - Losing team moves up nort to Canada. The game will be stopped for over 5 hours should Brett Favre pass Dan Marino on the all-time passing TD record.

Week 3 NFC Recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC doctor

Dallas at Chicago - We saw the importance of what a good quarterback can do for a team. Gary is still not convinced Tony Romo is anything more than a pile of refuse from Jessica Simpson's doublewide but I sure am. Romo, my fantasy QB, had a pretty solid night. Rex Grossman, not so much. "Sexy Rexy" looks me on test day in calculus, unprepared and scared of what bad pun Mike Ditka will come up. He also has no idea why I called him "Sexy Rexy." If he keeps this up he'll be keeping his calves warm in the middle of winter. Team with a good QB 34, team with a lousy one 10.


Cincinnati at Seattle - This is happening a lot. Why can't special teams players hold on to the ball? A special teams fumble cost the Bengals any chance of winning the game at the end Sunday. On the other end, Gus Johnson for whatever reason was announcing this game. That means turn the volume town about 20. Seattle gets a good effort and then finds out Shawn Alexander has a fracture in his hand. Nice one. Seattle Javas 24, Cincinnati Carsons 21.


Detroit at Philly - I get the pleasure of writing about the bad uniforms. The bad combo of sky blue and urine yellow sure make for some fun fodder. And yes, I know people probably bought some of these jerseys. The Lions got a decent offensive output but then forgot to play any defense as the first half resembled an Arena game or playing Madden with the Patriots. Philly Calvin Kleins 56, Detroit Fords 21.


Fantasy - The fantasy team lost this week to fall to 2-1. Making matters worse, Steven Jackson is out this week. Ouch. Next week might be another loss.

Week 3 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
Potential Madden T-Shirt Winner

San Francisco at Pittsburgh – Get your aluminum foil ready for the antenna, this game is on FOX this week. Allen Rossum makes a great deal leaving the Falcons in the preseason and showed it today running back a 98 yard kickoff for a TD on the first Steelers possession. Ben keeps the warning level in the green throwing 13/20 for 160 yards and 1 TD while Alex Smith went 17/35 for 209 yards and 2 TDs; one to SF WR Taylor Jacobs and another to Steelers CB Bryant McFadden. As noted by a friend, San Fran players appeared to be hugging a little longer than usual on the sidelines after one field goal. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Next week Coach Tomlin faces former potential Steelers Coach/Bum Cousin Russ with the other half of the MexiBowl, the Arizona Cardinals. Is there a warning level less urgent than “Low”? YOUR FINAL: Defense Wins Championships 37, At Least they’re Trying 16

Arizona at Baltimore – And speaking of Cousin Russ, this week he played a team in a conference he should know very well with a team that is sadly in the NFC. Russ made a very interesting decision in the 2nd quarter, yanking starter Matt Leinart (9/20 for 53 yards) for former stock boy Kurt Warner. The move worked as Warner threw 15/20 for 258 yards and 2 TDs, both to Anquan “holding on to what’s” Boldin. Baltimore QB Steve McNair, who celebrated his 70th* birthday this week, went 20/27 for 198 yards and Baltimore’s lone offensive TD, the other points from field goals and a punt return TD. Only points from field goals, certainly something Arizona knows about. YOUR FINAL: Defense Wins Championships but our offense sucks 26, Cowher I want my job back 23

Indianapolis at Houston – Ok Indy stop being cute. We know you’re sandbagging it to make the games interesting. Payton Manning, cut out the hotel hallway commercial and throw 6 TDs for that bum in your office fantasy league. You know him; he's the guy that rhymes everything that no one likes. He’s in accounting. Manning put up decent fantasy numbers going 20/29 for 273 yards and 1 TD. On the other side, NFL.com fantasy guru Michael Fabiano suggested starting Houston QB Matt “Cotton” Schaub, who went 27/33 for 236 yards, 1 TD and 2 INTs. The best fantasy advice you can take is none. Not even the ones you get from magazines. YOUR FINAL: We play better on Sunday nights 30, We don’t have throwback uniforms 24

And now, the part of the article that never looks good in a 75th anniversary throwback jersey:

THE LIST
(of players and things to be released before the trade deadline)

1) Marc Bulger – 17/26 for 113 yards, 3 INTs – You can blame the heat all you want, but they got 3.

2) Philadelphia Eagles Throwback Jerseys – Seriously, it looked like the UCLA home jersey had sex with a puddle of urine. This jersey was designed before color TVs. This is why Philly hasn’t won a major championship. Then again if they keep putting up 56 points a game then maybe they can set broadcasting technology back 10 years in the process. Oregon University called, they said the “ugly uniform trophy” is yours this week.

3) TIE – J.P. Loserman (BUF) - 1/1, 4 yards, 1 lost fumble, injured on first play of the game - Trent Edwards (BUF) – 10/20, 97 yards, 1 INT – The Pats knew this was going to happen. Insider information.

4) Matt Leinart – 9/20 for 53 yards, replaced in the 2nd quarter – Cousin Russ’s decision to replace him makes up for him leaving the Steelers in the first place.

Gary’s Picks – 9-0
Reedy’s Picks – 5-3

Week 2 recap during Week 3

By Greg Reedy
NFC guy that does his recap when he feels like it

One day, I will get this done by Tuesday when I'm supposed to. You can thank my wonderful job for that. Here we go.

49ers-Rams - Dante Hall, catch the ball! That sense of rhythm and rhymeage is sad because it probably cost the Rams came. Steven Jackson should have a better game this week. 49ers 19 Rams 17

Lions-Vikings - Nine turnovers and someone almost had to win. There could have been a tie but the Vikings lose 20-17.

Packers-Giants - Brett Favre threw a couple touchdown passes and the Giants suck this year. Wear the red unis! GB 35 NYG 13

Fantasy team won this week and is 2-0 on the year. Good times.

Monday Hangover Radio Show Season 2 - Episode #3

On this week's Gary going solo thanks to a scheduling conflict edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) A full recap of the "Patriot Games", aka the Patriots videotaping scandal
2) Vikings replace one crappy QB with another
3) Morten Anderson, Age 47, new starting kicker in Atlanta
3) AFC/NFC Picks of the Week

Episode #3 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (12:44)

Comments? Questions? Complaints? Post a comment!

Week 2 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
I videotaped my high school's defensive plays, so what Roger?

Buffalo vs. Pittsburgh - Memo to all other sports teams in the United States and parts of Canada: Pittsburgh sports teams play better with retro jerseys. Yes, even the Pirates but that's like 40% of the time. Yes the Steelers turned the clock WAY back, way back before the Steel Curtain days, donning the Black and Nacho Cheese for an old school beating of the Buffalo Bills. The Bills wish they had turned back the clock to 1992 when Jim Kelly (FROM! East Brady, PA!) was at QB. On a side note, Jim Kelly's haircut looks a lot like Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out. You do the Google image search. Ben Roethlisberger keeps the alert system in the green going 21/34 for 242 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT. Expect Buffalo to keep drafting QBs thanks to J.P. Loserman's 15/25 for 154 yard performance, but then again the Steeler defense made more of a case for that so we'll let him off light. It started as a soccer match in the first half as Jeff Reed, named best kicker hair by the 18-34 female NFL demographic, booted 4 field goals through the posts, none of them hitting Steely McBeam. Buffalo kicker Rian Lindell hit the only score for Buffalo, unlike other Buffalo Bills kickers it was not wide right. Steelers play the moderately-improved 49ers next week while Buffalo contemplates throwbacks. Not jerseys, players. YOUR FINAL: Nacho Cheese Retro Steelers 24, Rian Lindell 3

Oakland vs. Denver - SeaBass Jani continues his run for the "You're Killing Me, Smalls!" trophy by making the game-winning field goal against Denver. BUT NO! Mike Shananananahan calls a timeout with .10 before the snap. In an unrelated note, David Boston called timeout to the cops with .10 in his system. On take 2, Jani clanks it off the pole and Denver wins a few minutes later. You came blame the kicker all you want, but keep in mind that Oakland QB Josh McUnkown went 8/16 for 73 yards, 1 TD, and 3 INTs in the almost-win. Did Andy Walter get a name change? Oakland looks for another high draft pick to hold out and sign while Denver wins with back-to-back game-winning field goals. Man that was a lot of hyphens. YOUR FINAL: "Into Thin Air" 23, "Into a Black Hole" 20

New England vs. San Diego - Wear aluminum foil! Bill Belechek is stealing your satellite signals! Before the conspiracy theorists such at the New York Jets start pointing at grassy knolls, New England had more football to play and illegal Paris Hilton sex tapes to download off Limewire. To those Fantasy Football lucky owners that have Ladainian Tomlinson on your team, prepare to hari-kari yourself with these numbers: 14 carries, 43 yards rushing; 4 catches, 15 yards. Commence freaking out. Oh and by the way, Bill Belechek just hacked your firewall and installed G3n3r!C V!@gR@ ads on your computer. YOUR FINAL: This Blog Will Be Hacked Soon, Thanks Bill 38, I stayed up 15 hours for the fantasy draft and all I got was this lousy statement describing my #1 draft pick having a horrible game on Sunday Night...breathe... 14

And now, a place where no cameras are allowed:
THE LIST
(of Players to fill in the www.trade____.com domain)

Joey Harrington (QB, ATL) – 12/20 for 200 yards, Sacked 7 times – We would blame it in the offensive line but O-Lines don’t count in fantasy football.

Matt Prater (K, ATL) – 2 missed field goals – And if it makes you feel better, they lost by 6.

Tarvaris Jackson (QB, MIN) – 17/33 for 166 yards, 1 rushing TD, 4 INTs, replaced before overtime – Only send the closer in if it’s baseball.

Josh McUnknown (OAK) – 8/15 for 73 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 1 lost fumble – He’ll blame it on the kicker.

The Entire State of Ohio (CLE and CIN) – 96 combined points – Derek Anderson, 5 TDs. Roger Goodell will impose strict fines against the Browns for uncharacteristically scoring 51 points.

Gary's Picks - 6-0
Reedy's Picks - 4-2

Week #2 NFL Quickpicks

News and Notes from during the week:

Patriots, this isn't YouTube - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continues his Mongolian rule over the NFL by dealing out harsh punishment to the New England Patriots. Goodell fined the entire team the NFL maximum $500,000 and ordered them to pay $250,000 to the NY Jets for spying on their defensive play calls with a video camera. In addition to the cash, the Pats will lose their first-round draft pick (they'll still have one from Oakland) and second and third picks if they don't make the playoffs. Just on these events alone, the Patriots have now been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. And next year's, also. (NFL.com)

It's like putting a new sound system on an '88 Caprice: #1 draft pick JaMarcus Russell held out for more money and Al Davis caved in like Jenga. Russell signed with the Raiders this week while Dante Culpepper said "looks like my job here is done." (NFL.com)

What a difference a week makes!: Fresh off his disastrous performance as a Cleveland Brown, Charlie Frye was traded to Seattle for a sack of magic beans. (NFL.com partial credit)

WEEK #2 PICKS

Gary says:
Pittsburgh over Buffalo
New England over San Diego (SNF)
Denver over Oakland

Reedy says:
St. Louis over San Francisco
Detroit over Minnesota
NY Giants over Green Bay

Very late NFC Week 1 Recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC Procrastinator

Yep, I know it's late. Get over it. Anyways, the NFC games were all about ineptitude for the most part. Let's go.

Eagles at Packers - Philadelphia needs to find someone to catch a punt while Green Bay tries to figure out how they won this game. Favre keeps doing great. Packers 16, Eagles 13

Giants at Cowboys - Tony Romo is the man right now. His 34 fantasy points helped me win in the opening week of the fantasy season. Eli Manning had a shoulder injury and no one knows how long Eli will be injured. Ouch. Oh, and Tiki Barber is bald and smiles a lot and wonders how he got that gig on "Football Night In America" with Keith freakin' Olbermann. Cowboys 45, Giants 35

Cardinals at 49ers - The 49ers and Cardinals played a stinker of a game and no one figured out why. There's a reason Mexico Bowl 3 was put on the late Monday Night game. Arizona made sure they did everything they could to lose and they ended up doing that. Nice job Arizona. Same stupid Cardinals. 49ers 20, Cardinals 17

Week 1 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
Some Blogger

Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland - When this game is replayed in the annuls of NFL Films, the soundtrack will not be with a flourish of trumpets, the thunder of tympanies, nor the story-driving lead of strings. It will instead be the Yakkity Sax. Cleveland, the only city not to host or appear in a Super Bowl to date, saw their fans chant "Rudy" while the team got (Charlie) Fryed. Ben Rothlisberger played like the Ben of two years ago going 12/23 for 161 yards, 4 TDs and a win for your fantasy team this week. Frye was replaced halfway through the second half as Cleveland still thought it was a preseason game. Backup Browns QB Derek Anderson finished 13/28 for 184 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT guaranteeing him the starting position. Courageous Brady Quinn courageously drank Gatorade and wore a courageous ball cap. The Steelers first 3 possessions were within the Cleveland 25 yard line, one of them caused by a muffed punt that drew 4 offensive fouls against the Browns. Steelers now hold the all-time lead in the rivalry against the Browns as Springfield regains the lemon tree. YOUR FINAL: Springfield 34 (56-55), Shelbyville 7 (55-56)

Detroit vs. Oakland - This game was to prove who had the better draft day and whether or not drafting a wide receiver was a wise choice. JaMarcus Chaching Russell is still holding out for Oakland, so they hired Dante Culpepper. Dante apperently got lost in the airport and is replaced by...Josh McCown? Wait, he's on the team? Detroit QB Jon Kitna went 27/36 for 289 yards, 3 TDs, and 2 INTs while Josh McUnknown matched similar stats with 30/40 for 313 yards, 2 TDs, and 2 INTs. Detroit signed #2 draft pick, the s*** pick, Calvin Johnson had 4 catches for 70 yards and 1 TD. Hobbes was there also but you didn't quite see him. Se-Bass Jani (the tougher and shorter name for Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski) won the NFL "You're Killing Me, Smalls!" award this week with 2 missed field goals and one blocked. Both teams next week will play actual NFL teams. YOUR FINAL: "On Pace For 5 Wins" 36, "Holding Out For a Hero and More Money" 21

Tennessee vs. Jacksonville - Vince Young has survived the Madden curse for one more week but his numbers did not. Jacksonville's defense gave him the stats of 11/18 for 78 yards and 1 INT. What Tennessee couldn't do in the air they did on the ground with Chris Brown rushing for 175 yards on 19 carries and Vince Young with 1 rushing TD. Kerry Collins made a brief appearance in the game late as he suited up to tackle a keg. Take that statement however you wish. Uncharismatic Jacksonville plays Joey "Blackest Man on the Planet" Harrington and Atlanta next week. YOUR FINAL: Homestar Runners 13, Find Us on a Map Miss South Carolina 10

and now, the place no NFL athlete wants to be at. Outside of Cleveland:

THE LIST
(of QBs that would've been better off starting Kelly Clarkson on opening day)

1) Charlie Frye (CLE) – 4/10, 34 yards, 1 INT, Sacked 5 times, Replaced halfway through the 2^nd quarter – Unlike the movies, “Rudy” chants go unanswered in Cleveland.

2) Joey Harrington (ATL) – 23/32, 199 yards, 2 INTs both returned for TDs – It is certainly going to be a long year in Atlanta when the starting QB rushes for less than 10 yards a game.

3) Drew Brees (NO) – 28/41, 192 yards, 2 INTs – Someone told him the game was on Sunday instead of Thursday.

4) Jason Campbell (WAS) – 12/21, 222 yards, 2 INTs – Alex when you can fill the category, I’ll take “Washington Redskins Franchise QBs” for $200.

5) JP Loserman (BUF) – 14/21, 97 yards, 1 INT – It is rumored that Jim Kelly will start next week in Pittsburgh.

Additional Note: Chad Pennington was injured in the 3^rd quarter of the Jets/Patriots game on Sunday. The New York Jets have been mathematically been eliminated from the playoffs.

Monday Hangover Radio Show Season 2 - Episode #2

On this week's opening day kickoff Monday Hangover Radio Show, now completely 100% Hinder free:

1) Recap of the Thursday night Indianapolis vs. New Orleans game
2) The return of NFL Crimetime!
3) AFC/NFC Picks of the Week

Episode #2 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (12:00)

Comments? Questions? Complaints? Post a comment!

Know Your Preseason Cuts

Funny how unemployment works in the NFL. The scrub players get released before the season starts while the scrub coaches get released after the owners say "what were we thinking this year?" When September rolls around it's time to make more cuts than Emo.

Here are some notable 53 man roster cuts to report on:

Most Publicly-Known Cut: Forget the mid-season QB controversy in Jacksonville this year. QB Byron Leftwich will no longer be your starter for the Jaromir Jaguars (where the J is a Y). Leftwich was injured last year leading David Gerrard to step up and now become the new starting QB for the team from north Florida.

36 is still ok if you're a QB or a kicker: New York Jets cut Defensive Tackle and former Pittsburgh Steeler Kimo von Oelhoffen in a possible effort to reduce the cost of jersey lettering. Then again Kimo is 36 years old, and for a Defensive Tackle in the NFL that's pretty old. Defensive Tackles have the shelf life of milk in the sun. (Note: Kimo signed with the Eagles on Sunday.)

Topic for Discussion: Was he better as a Hurricane, a Brown, or a Jet?: New England Patriots told Vinny Testaverde to get the hell off their lawn as he was cut from the team. He was signed last season when New England lost a game and Tom Brady was injured with a hangnail.

And who says the preseason doesn't count: Cincy Bengals released veteran backup QB Doug Johnson following his horrendous and List-worthy preseason game against the Indy Colts. He threw 2 INTs in both of his possessions, good enough to get a job at Domino's Pizza. Should Carson *NBC Nightly News With Brian Williams* Palmer get injured, expect the Steelers to not even worry about eliminating them from the playoffs this year.

Whoever starts in Cleveland they'll want Dr. Quinn, Quarterback Woman: Ken Dorsey was shown the door in Cleveland as the QB controversy continues leading up to their season opener against the Steelers. Billed as a "valuable mentor" to potential injury victim Brady Quinn, The Master Gator falls into one of many discarded QBs not named Bradley Quinn in Cleveland this year.

Breaking News, Brian St. Pierre is still a Steeler: Notable cuts in Pittsburgh include RB Verron Haynes, which will give local rock station WDVE headaches because he recorded a commercial for them, and QB Bryan Randall causing the first chance in 9 seasons as a preseason QB that Brian St. Pierre might make the final roster. On a side note, DE Ryan McBean was released for having a name too similar to the mascot.

What's in a name: Defending Super Bowl Champion Indy Colts released WR Craphonso Thorpe. Worst. First name. Ever.

Tennessee Titans: No cute intros for this team, they are playing with fire and oxygen tanks. The most noted release is former 49ers starter and Lister Tim Rattay, currently leaving Vince Young with his backup/beer pong buddy Kerry Collins. Did anyone tell Vince that he's on the cover of Madden this year? Drink up, Kerry.

Double Word Score: San Diego Chargers released OT Cory Lekkerkerker(kerkerkerker). His only impact made this preseason was that his name scores 37 points in Scrabble.

Jokeland Raiders: They must've stopped by Wal-Mart today with some returns. Including Jamarcus Russell's holdout and injured reserve roster, the Raiders will only have 6 of 11 draft picks on the roster for opening day. Veteran fullback Zack Crockett was returned for store credit.

A Change of Career, Don't Quit Your Day Job: Philadelphia Eagles had a fun time with two athletes: Sav Rocca, a former Australian-rules football player, made the team as a punter due to his "big, big, big leg" and that's what she and General Manager Tom Heckert said. Former 2-time Olympic skier Jeremy Bloom didn't make the squad because football is not played on the side of a mountain. Olympic skiers have a hard time finding new careers. Bode Miller, anyone?

"Lions release Mr. Irrelevant": Sadly it's a bunch of people we don't know and not one of them is named Matt Millen.

Chad Johnson released: ...from the Minnesota Vikings. No, the CB Chad Johnson. Had your hopes up, didn't you?

We got more than 3: Tampa Bay Buccaneers keep QB Chris Simms as they'll start with 4 QBs this season along with starter Jeff Garcia, Bruce "Juice" Gradkowski, and Luke McUnknown.

Worst Year: This, or when they invented their Super Bowl dance?: Kicker Matt Prater was on the Atlanta Falcons roster for 48 hours and has never played in an NFL game. Billy "Bo Bob" Cundiff, former kicker for Dallas, lost his job to the new guy. The only worse cut decision larger than this was QB Bart Simpson over Nelson Mundz for the Pop Warner Springfield Wildcats. Joey Harrington still remains uninjured and a joke.

Best Pitt Panther QB not named Marino: Former Pittsburgh Panther QB Tyler Palko was released by the New Orleans Saints but still has a chance of being the third-string QB. His dismal performance in their final preseason game has Pitt Panther head coach Dave Wannsteadt going "THAT'S what I taught him?"

Act like you're good: J.D. Washington, son of actor Denzel Washington, was released from the St. Louis Rams on Friday. He'll be appearing on ESPN in the second season of "Playmakers" where he shoots Jamie Foxx at a nightclub.


(Source: NFL.com)