Week 12 NFC review

By Greg Reedy
NFC guy

49ers - Cardinals - San Fran should petition the league to play Arizona a lot more. Not only for our sake but for theirs. Anyways, while I continue to wonder how the 49ers won and the Cardinals lost, I see Kurt Warner's arm flying off during the walkoff fumble. Frank Gore showed up and Neil "Noonan" Rackers missing a short field goal. Ouch. 49ers 37, Tijuana 31

Washington - Tampa Bay - This game was actually pretty exciting till the end. Washington had Jason Campbell throw a lot of interceptions and Tampa won. Tampa a little, Washington a little less.

Mitol cramp of the week: Denver-Chicago - WHY DO YOU KICK IT TO DEVIN HESTER? Chicago 33, Denver 30

Fantasy team won, 6-5-1 now. I'm in the playoffs as the #5 seed. First round this weekend.

Week 12 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
NFL Masochist

Tennessee at Cincinnati - Vince Young, this game would prove that the Madden Curse in all its turduckeninny goodness has caught up to you. Young threw 19/31 for 246 yards with 1 INT and 1 fumble. Cincy, currently last place in the AFC North, played like Boomer was on the team and not in the booth as Carson *Seinfeld Bassline pop pop pop* Palmer threw for 3 TDs, all of them to Senor Cinco Chad Johnson. Each season, it costs CBS approximately $40,000 for one man to run camera during an NFL game. This touchdown cost Chad Johnson $7,500 and 15 yards on the kickoff to run camera for CBS during an NFL game. Cowher brought out the scowl on him during the halftime report and Shannon Sharpe nearly crapped himself in fear. Cincy brings their Icy Hot next week to Pittsburgh, that is if the field is any better. More on that later in this post. YOUR FINAL: Johnsons 35, Bironas Round 6

Philadelphia at New England - So, Happy Gilmore is human after all. In what could have been another Sunday night drubbing with Madden talking about clam chowder, Philly decided to show up with the phenomenal A.J. Feeley (27/42 for 345 yards, 3 TDs and 3 INTs) and play a close one against Tom Brady's Supermodel Panties. We could have witnessed 72 Dolphins champagne corks, except the Patriots intercepted Feeley on the final drive of the game. Pats move 5 games closer to destroying the universe while the Eagles look to next year with McNabb on the bench injured. YOUR FINAL: 7th Gate of Hell 31, Insane Philly Sports Fans 28

Miami at Pittsburgh - ......Where do I even start with this one:

1) After this weekend's quadrupleheader of high school football championship games plus Pittsburgh playing South Florida on Saturday, the grounds crew re-sodded the field for Monday night. Not helping the matters was the steady downpour on Monday and into the evening, leaving the field in a wet sandy mush and delaying the game 25 minutes due to poor field conditions and lightning. Yes. Lightning in November. That would make for a kickass 80s hair band name...

2) So once they bypassed the player introductions and the national anthem things got right down to business with zero offense and zero bounce on punts. Ricky Williams made his return to the NFL only to fumble the ball and get injured on the same play. That went up in smoke. All total a combined 11 punts by both teams.

3) Cam Cam proves why the Miami head coaching job is not his anymore when on 4th and 6 on a field goal the kick is blocked, but blown dead on a delay of game penalty. Instead of booting the field goal on the horrible turd turf, Cam Cam opts to go for it and Miami QB John Beck fumbles the ball for the turnover on downs.

4) Want to know what an angry Steelers fan sounds like? Here's an audio compilation of Gary losing his cool and his dad from the last 4:00 of the game. My personal favorite quote is at the 1:22 mark.

5) Jeff Reed boots a game winning field goal from 24 yards (which felt like 46 yards thanks to the turf) and Steelers win 3-0 in the lowest scoring Steelers win of the modern NFL era, the lowest scoring MNF game ever (beating last season's snoozefest of 9-0 at Jacksonville), the lowest scoring NFL game since 1993, Miami's 0-11 record and 6th loss by 3 or less points this season, and the first time a punt has ever stuck in the frickin ground vertically. This game was uglier than Liza Minelli and David Gest both with acne and overbites making out naked while Season 1 of the Anna Nicole Smith Show is on while wearing bowling shoes on a 1970s olive green Salvation Army $20 couch in the middle of New Jersey. THAT, is how ugly that game was.

6) Joey Porter with his first interception of the year in this game. AND YOU STILL LOST!

YOUR FINAL: "HO MAI FREEKIN GAWD!" 3, "Beck's just out there breakdancing" 0.

THE LIST

1) November 25th, 2007 - Steelers vs. Dolphins on MNF Football - worst. victory. ever.

2) Eli Manning (NYG) - 21/49 for 273 yards, 1 TD, 4 INTs (3 returned for TDs) - Slip and slide? Take it to the house.

3) Tie - Neil Rackers - missed 32 yard field goal in OT - and Kurt Warner (ARI) - Sacked/ fumbles away Mexibowl IV for Arizona in the end zone in OT - Anyone still have Rafters on their fantasy team? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

4) David Carr - 10/22 for 95 yards, 2 INTs - I bet those home games are enjoyable. Employment position open for a Carolina Panther polished turd.

Monday Hangover Radio Show Season 2 - Episode #7

On this week's delayed-on-the-east coast edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) NFL Thanksgiving game recaps
2) NFL Crimetime!
3) Week 12 "Eat My Ass" preview
4) AFC/NFC Picks of the Week

Episode #7 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (22:45)

Comments? Questions? Complaints? Post a comment!

Week 11 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley

Much like Henry VIII's wife, I won't be with you very long on this post.

Pittsburgh at NY Jets - I knew this wasn't going to be a sure thing. The last time these two teams played was in the playoffs where the Jets missed about 3 field goals in a row in overtime and the Steelers came away with a just-barely win. This time around the 1-9 Jets found a way to play decent ball while the Steelers were penalized a total of 100 yards. In the words of my dad, "they get penalized that much they deserve to lose." YOUR FINAL: Joe Blow 19, Mon High 16

Cleveland at Baltimore - Phil Dawson 3....3?....wait, hang on...yeah 3. The game-tying field goal and bank shot of the year from Phil Dawson sent the Ravens back out on the field and the Browns in the win column. Gotta love when the refs have to go off script on the mic. YOUR FINAL: With the KISSSS! 33, Going Home Early 30

New England at Buffalo - They would've been better off playing the entire CFL. I hate Tom Brady. YOUR FINAL: Newnited Kingdom a buncha points, Buffalo -5

THE QUICK LIST

Donovan McNabb (PHI) - Injury season back in full force as once again McNabb is out for the season late with an injury. Now's the time to start that christmas shopping.

John Beck (MIA) - Making his first start as a QB for the Dolphins getting crazy with the Cheez Whiz and losing horrendously. He's a loser baby, so why don't you kill him?

HEISMAN (draft pick) WATCH

1) Miami 0-10
Next game: at PIT

2) NY Jets 2-9
Next game: at Dallas (editor's note: 2-10. lost on Thanksgiving)

3) Oakland, San Francisco, Atlanta 2-8

Week 11 NFC review

By Greg Reedy
NFC Turkey

Pepto-Bismol Almost Upset of the week: So Oakland didn't pull through against Minnesota. At least they are still in the running for a high draft pick that won't play for them until 2 years down the road. Minnesota wins and keeps their aspirations alive at mediocroity. Minnesota Purple Pants 34, Oakland We Want JaMarcuses 27

Geritol Bowl 2: Packers- Panthers: In the sucky world of NFL TV Universe, I got stuck having this game as the only one during the 1 p.m. window. It pitted ageless Brett Farve against (insert age here, Olbermann) Vinny Testaverde. Testaverde had a rough game and the Green Bayers were rolling more than Limp Bizkit in 2000. (GOOD GRAVY IT'S THE UNDERTAKER!) Green Bay wins, Carolina still in NFC South race.)

Redskins - Cowboys - In this classic battle between cowboys and Indians, T.O. lit up the Redskins just like Custer. Tony Romo was awesome and why not? Meanwhile, the Redskins were valient to the end until T.O. shot down Washington's last bow and arrow. Cowboys 28, Indians 23

Notes: Fantasy team is now in the sixth and final playoff spot at 5-5-1 and three straight wins. Needless to say, my last game is a biggie for sure. I take on a team with a 2-9 record in the final week of the season. Don't pull a Steelers, Ridgway.

Week 11 Picks

News and Notes from the past week:

I was going to join the Dolphins, but then I got high...again - If I know my sports movies correctly, the hapless winless team gets their star player at around the beginning of the movie. This one's almost over. Ricky Williams, the zen master of the CFL, returned to the team after retiring from the NFL in 2004. He could be cleared to play as early as November 26th when they go against Pittsburgh. By that time Miami will have their new starting quarterback, Air Bud.
(FOX Sports on MSN)

Quarterback Shuffle Time - Trent Dilfer replaces SF's Alex Smith after he failed to disclose an arm injury where you throw the ball in the dirt or to other players. Trent Dilfer's forehead has more square mile coverage than frickin Russia. Kyle Boller replaces Baltimore's Steve McNair after 12 turnovers in the past two games and McNair's separated shoulder. McNair has had more injuries than touchdown passes this year, which leads us to believe that McNair is getting recycled or switched to E-80 Ethanol.

Nomination for Monday Hangover's Interview of the Year - 1972 Dolphins Running Back Mercury Morris interviewed at a golf course about the Patriots 9-0 record:



Gary Says: Pittsburgh over NY Jets, Cleveland over Baltimore, New England over Buffalo (sadly)

Reedy Says: Green Bay over Carolina, Dallas over Washington, Oakland over Minnesota

Week 10 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
Busy looking at the babes

Cleveland at Pittsburgh - To those 80s nerds who grew up with the NES, anyone remember Mike Tyson's Punch Out and facing Piston Honda the 2nd time? That's sort of what it felt like with the Steelers on Sunday as the team they schlacked during Week 1 came out to a monsterous 21-6 before halftime. Ok Little Mac, don't fret. All it takes is one well-placed punch when he charges and it'll be over. Or in this case, Ben Roethlisberger (23/34 for 278 yards, 2 TDs, 1 rushing TD, 1 INT) running like a revolutionary frenchman with his head cut off. It came down to a tense field goal by Phil Dawson and Dawson's Creek ran dry when the game-tying field goal came up short. Springfield nabs the lemon tree, shake your fists harder Shelbyville. YOUR FINAL: Springfield 31, Shelbyville 28

Buffalo at Miami - When I saw that the score was Miami leading 3-2 in the 3rd quarter, I had my doubts that J.P. Los...man would come back to rally and at least kick a field to make it a baseball score. Then again, this is the Miami Dolphins we are talking about and they are willing to start anyone on any given Sunday. You, the blog reader, could be their quarterback for next season. Madam Cleo Lemon threw 16/29 for 131 yards and a rushing TD but still not enough as Miami keeps the Orange Bucs antsy at 0-9. Buffalo has the honor next week of snapping the knee of Tom Brady. Oh, and Joey Porter picked up half a sack this game and still lost, making his total 1.5 for the year. YOUR FINAL: Buffalo Wild Wings 13, White Castle 10

Jacksonville at Tennessee - Jacksonville is the first team this year to post a Quad-7, where you score one TD and only one TD in all four quarters. To that I tip my hat off to, if I was wearing a hat. In another fun trivia fact, all three strings of Jacksonville running backs scored rushing TDs on the day. Vince Young continued eating stale FunYoungs as he went 24/41 for 257 yards, 1 TD and 2 INTs. No doubt being putting to more waste than a November pumpkin this game would be Jacksonville punter Adam Podlesh who faked a field goal (that's what she said, kinda) and failed to get the first down, then miffed a punt in the 4th quarter. He's not Australian enough. YOUR FINAL: The Quad-Seven 28, Can't think of a witty nickname for the Titans other than Titties 13

THE LIST

1) The Entire Cincinnati vs. Baltimore Game - Cincy kicker Shane Graham 7 field goals, Baltimore 2 INTs, 4 Lost Fumbles - "We got 3! Times 7! HARHARHARHARHARAR!!!!" Deion Sanders on NFL Network: "Do we have to show this!?"

2) Joey Porter (MIA) - 1.5TH SACK OF THE YEAR! - AND YOU STILL LOST!

3) Damon Huard (KC) - 6/15 for 83 yards, 2 INTs, Injured in 3rd Quarter - Maybe the early day off was a good thing at the rate he was throwing.

4) Peyton Manning (IND) - 34/56 for 328 yards, 2 TDs, 6 INTs - If I know my sports movies correctly, this is the part of the movie where the team starts to crap on itself.

Week 10 NFC Review

By Greg Reedy
True believer in sticking pins through voodoo dolls

Karmic retribution game of the year:
Rams-Saints: Here's the backstory behind this epic event. See, last week I went up to interview this guy for a story for the paper. The next day, he calls me and tells me he's changed his mind and that he would rather not have the story published. Why is this important?

He was a huge Saints fan.

Fast forward to Sunday, where the Rams took a 34-7 lead early into the fourth quarter and let the Saints get back into it with three charity touchdowns at the end. Steven Jackson had a nice game and Drew Brees didn't. Moral of the story: Don't screw with the media or at least don't let the media know what your favorite team is. Reedy's Rams 37 Some Guy's Stupid Saints 29

Cowboys - Giants - Tony Romo was the man Sunday as he found T.O. on a number of different occasions. And why the Giants were wearing those red uniforms, the Reedman will never know. The Giants almost never win with those. Stick to big blue. Dallas a lot, New York red Giants a little

Pepto-Bismol upset of the week:
Arizona - Detroit - As first predicted, right here, Arizona took it to those pushover Liond and their negative rushing attack (they had like -17 rushing yards). Kurt Warner proved he can throw the ball with one arm and Jon Kitna, well, enjoy winning while you can. Because it's not lasting much longer. Just look at the schedule. Arizona Bionics 31, Kitna's 6-wins 14

Monday Hangover Radio Show Season 2 - Episode #6

On this week's edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) How to destroy Tom Brady, and Calvin Klein underwear
2) NFL Crimetime!
3) "We hate the Steelers week" gets interrupted in Cleveland
4) AFC/NFC Picks of the Week

Episode #6 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (19:23)

Comments? Questions? Complaints? Post a comment!

Week 9 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
Highest Bidder to take out Tom Brady

New England at Indianapolis - Joey Porter got this pick correct. I didn't. I have come to the official conclusion that Tom Brady is like the guy in high school who's on the football team, wins King for both Winter Formal and Prom, is a model student and yet everyone wants to be thrown under a very large vehicle. Yes Tom Brady you may have your white teeth, your perfect season, your supermodel girlfriend, and your Super Bowl rings. But why do we hate you? You're not funny. You don't appeal to the everyman. Peyton Manning has been featured on Saturday Night Live and in the ever-popular Mastercard commercials. The biggest showdown ever in the NFL went to New England, but still Tom Brady will forever suck at life when the 1972 Dolphins come back to break his leg. I refuse to discuss this game further. YOUR FINAL: F*** TOM BRADY a buncha points, Peyton Manning and America less points

Washington at New York Jets - Kellen Clemens (Kellogg's Corn Flakes) makes his first NFL start and played grrrrrrreat. The Jets run defense was a soggier story as Clinton "Southeast Jerome" Portis for 196 yards and 1 TD on 36 carries on an overtime victory. This was quite possibly the most exciting Jets loss all season long. YOUR FINAL: Dibbs on Gibbs 23, Cock on the Box 20

Baltimore at Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh had reason to celebrate Monday evening and not because an episode of The Bachelor was moved to 2 AM. With a win over the Baltimore Pigeons the Steelers would remain undefeated in the AFC North. Further taking the sting out of the Epic Game from yesterday was Ben Roethlisberger's freaking five first half TDs (13/16 for 209 yards, 5 TDs.) While the addition of Ron Jaws doesn't exactly enhance the chattering nanny that is Tony "Chucklenuts" Kornheiser, he makes for a better voice and appearance than one unemployed Joe Theismann. Steelers Linebacker James Harrison went absonuts with 2 recovered fumbles and 1 INT, while Ray Lewis was all pumped up after a Willie Parker 1 yard gain. Next play the Steelers passed for a TD with Parker blocking Lewis. AFC North teams go round robin style as the Ravens play Cincy while the Steelers play 2nd place...Cleveland!?...am I reading this right? YOUR FINAL: Undefeated 11-0 at home on MNF 38, WE MUST PROTECT THIS FUMBLE! 7

THE LIST

Baltimore Ravens - 4 fumbles (3 lost), 1 INT, 85 total penalty yards - You know it's a bad game when Tony Kornheiser mentions sneaking into the press box upstairs for food.

Alex Smith (SF) - 17/38 for 149 yards, 3 INTs - You start the season with high hopes, then after the bye it all goes downhill. They are playing like the Pirates this season.

Kurt Warner (ARI) - 10/30 for 172, 2 INTs - How's the elbow holding up?

Philip Rivers (SD) - 19/42 for 197 yards, 1 INT - Interesting Note: All California NFL teams lost this week.

David Carr (CAR) - 15/27 for 107 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, Sacked 7 times - Carolina fans want to give Vinny one more third chance.

Josh McUnknown (OAK) - 13/27 for 158 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs - Honestly I didn't know Dante was injured.

Week 9 NFC recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC guy that would like to have a meaningful game to watch this year at some point

Cowboys - Eagles - Let me get this straight. It was cold out and yet the Eagles wore their white jerseys? Bloody good that was. T.O. returned, won the game, then dressed as Santa to get more booing. McNabb thankfully did not give a McJab to T.O. Maybe he should stop eating McNuggets from McDonald's or that great McCampbell's Chunky Soup. Oh and Tony Romo is very rich and also on my fantasy team. Good for him. Blueshirts 35, Whiteouts 17

49ers – Falcons – The 49ers offense has officially disappeared on the season. By losing to a team led by Joey Harrington, San Fran has now lost six in a row and had their season go in the tank. The best news for Atlanta? No one had to watch this on TV because the game was blacked out a la St. Louis. Ouch. Atlanta Harringtons 20, San Fran Arena Bowlers 16. Watch out for that table.

Lions – Broncos – Jay Cutler injured, Denver doesn’t have a chance. Cutler got a lower leg contusion (isn’t that just a big word for a bruise?) and Denver had to rely on the greatness of Patrick Ramsey to pull out the win. Unfortunately, Ramsey threw the ball to defensive linemen Shaun Rogers, who rumbled, stumbled and took the ball in the end zone in a play that took so long, Kevin Harlan even had to take a breath from screaming about how a man that big could take up the entire third quarter with one play. Jon Kitna did not wear his “naked assistant coach costume” which was a good thing because the Broncos had to go to Wendy’s after the game. Mike Shanahan made them all eat Baked Potatos as their side instead of fries. What is this country coming to? Wendy’s 44, Burger King 7

Week 9 Picks: There Can Only Be One

This Sunday will feature the most important NFL game in history, larger than any Super Bowl and 500 Pro Bowls combined. The undefeated New England Patriots, headlined by the shiny teeth of Tom Brady, will face the savior of the NFL Peyton Manning and the undefeated Indianapolis Colts. We all know that outside of a handgun or sizeable 18-wheeler, Peyton Manning is the only thing that can stop Tom Brady and vice versa. The '72 Dolphins have the seats for the battle of the universe.

Gary Says: Trusting Joey Porter again, he'll take the Patriots. Which means the Colts will win.

Other NFL News and Notes:

- Jon Kitna's halloween costume of the fat naked arrested Lions assistant coach was certainly the talk of the office this past week. Bonus points on the bitchtits. Best airbrushed pair I've seen this side of Playboy. (Sports by Brooks)

- Former Vikings QB and dickhead Jeff George is in consideration for returning to the NFL after a 6-year "get lost" period. Rest of the world says no. (TwinCities.com)

- Andy Reid's son fumbles about 89 pills, including Valium, from his rectum in an attempt to smuggle them into prison. That's a buttload of drugs. (Philly.com)

Week 9 Picks

Gary Says: New England over Indianapolis because Joey Porter said so, Pittsburgh over Baltimore (MNF), Washington over NYJ

Reedy Says: Denver over Detroit, San Francisco over Atlanta, Dallas over Philadelphia (SNF)

Week 8 AFC Recap

Gary Ashley
Professional Crastinator

Armoured Wankbowl 2007 - New York Giants vs. Miami - Cheerios, good chaps, and welcome to the first ever Armoured Wankbowl between the New Yorkshire Gentlemen (or simply: GJEEEEE MEN!) and the team from the planet Florida. No not that one, THAT one. While a Tonga tribal war dance showdown before the game would have been downright awesome, we'll have to settle for Joey Porter dancing to Souja Boy. In conditions wetter than a Las Vegas cathouse (references like this that will never land Gary a job on ESPN or any evening news team), Somehow the Giants kept it on the ground running the ball for the team's lone try (TD). It should also be noted that former Giants kicker now Miami booter Jay Feely missed a field goal, no doubt bringing back old memories for his former employer. Both Dolphins and Giants get the bye next week, no doubt to stay there and bend it like Beckham's wife and have Miami sign the Loch Ness Monster. YOUR FINAL: New Yorkshire 13, Don Shula's Kick in the Crotch 10


Pittsburgh at Cincinnati - Meanwhile back on American soil, it was time once again this season for Ben Roethlisburger's owning of the state of Ohio. Ben is undefeated in the state of Ohio, that includes Cleveland and Cincy. The Hall of Fame Game does not count. Ben threw 19/26 for 230 yards, 2 TDs both to Hines Ward, and 1 INT while pricetags were assessed to Chad Johnson. Mark up mark up! Steelers head home for a Monday Night Snoozeball match against the Ravens in an attempt to stay undefeated against AFC North teams, while Cincy plays Buffalo next week. They'd be better off putting Johnny Fever in as QB. YOUR FINAL: Mike Tomlin is Dolemite 24, O-H-S#!T 13

Buffalo at NY Jets - You know when Rich Eisen says "Do you like punting? Boy have we got the highlights for you." in the NFL Network recap, you know you're in for a snoozer. Two teams with horrid QBs and a combined 12 punts in the game made you wish this game was in England also. J.P. Loserman, in for the injured Trent Edwards, connected on the game's lone TD to Lee Evans for the win. Chad Pennington (13/20 for 106 yards) was replaced late in the game by Kellen Clemens (now referred to as Kellogg's Corn Flakes), throwing a Listworthy 5/12 for 67 yards and 2 INTs. Take a look at this turd before I flush it. YOUR FINAL: 4 Games behind New England 13, Angry New York Sports Bloggers 3

THE LIST

Brian Griese (CHI) - 22/40 for 228 yards, 1 TD, 4 INTs - Remember when Kordell Stewart was a Chicago Bear? Yeah well I think he's the QB coach.

Kellogg's Corn Flakes (NYJ) - 5/12 for 67 yards, 2 INTs - The Cock on the Box, baby!

Jeff Garcia (TB) - 19/41 for 267 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs (1 returned for TD) - Well at least it's not Chris Simms.

Matt Schaub (HOU) - 11/18 for 77 yards, 2 INTs (1 returned for TD), Injured - Stumped.

Jason Campbell (WAS) - 21/36 for 197 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 3 Lost Fumbles - He's low on The List cause it was against the Pats. We need a savior. Get Peyton Manning.