Week 17/Season AFC Recap

By Gary Ashley
AFC Correspondent/Down with the sickness

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati - Implication: Cincy must win to have a chance at making the playoffs - Steeler Nation, please repeat after me:

LOL

Just when we all thought that the Steelers season look as dismal as possible, with the reigning Super Bowl champs missing the playoffs, it resulted in one big item to cheer about for the Steeler Nation: For the second straight year, the Steelers have eliminated the Bengals from the playoffs. I say "Who Dey?" You say "Not Dem." The Bengals defined what it meant to Bungal away the season when Bengals kicker Shane Graham pushed the potential game-winning field goal wide right in the 4th quarter, leading to overtime. Steelers won the toss and elected to win following a 67 yard pass to (Pittburghese accent) Santonio Holmes who dove the last 10 yards or so. If I were NFL Commissioner, an overtime loss by touchdown should count as two losses. Interestingly enough, Chad Johnson went another game without a TD against the Steelers. Bengals blow their playoff chances in a most comedic fashion as Cowher contemplates the future. .500 Steelers 23, Smells Like Icy Hot 17

Oakland at NY Jets - Implication: Oakland loss and Detroit win gurantees #1 draft pick - The Jets had already clinched a playoff appearance, it was now up to Oakland to clinch a NFL Draft Day appearance in the first hour. Much like all but 2 weeks of the NFL season, Oakland lived up to their expectations of horrible football play with Aaron Brooks throwing 15/26 for 136 yds, 1 INT and 1 Fumble. All the Jets had to do was show up and enjoy the buffoonery. Jets are in the playoffs and Chad Pennington is still in one piece. Oakland gets Brady Quinn. First Round Elimination 23, Sebass Jowski 3

Cleveland at Houston - Implication: Neither QB will have a job next season - I still remember from a past edition of the radio show where Reedy said something to the effect that David Carr is having the best Fantasy Football season of his career. Apperently in Houston, you're only as good as the last season you play there. Carr threw 9/15 for 86 yds with 1 INT in what could be compared to Brett Favre's last game, only no one cared and CBS's Don Crikey was the only one in tears. Terrible game aside, Houston ended up with a win against the Browns showing a huge sign of improvement from last year. Houston drafts a little later than last year. Houston gets Brady Quinn after Oakland buys magic beans. Texas QB Vacancy 14, Phil Dawson 6

THE LIST
(of important stuff that happened this season)

Most improved team - New Orleans Saints - 10-6 record and playoff appearance

Least improved team - Detroit Lions - 3-13 record and the fans still protesting Millen. Honorable Mention: Miami Dolphins

Biggest surprise - Pittsburgh Steelers - Defending Super Bowl champs post 8-8 record and fail to make the playoffs

Most hilarious victory - Arizona losing to Chicago on MNF in Week 6 by defensive and special teams scoring. Honorable Mention: Detroit giving up 23 4th points in Week 5 and losing

Biggest offseason story - TO signs with the Cowboys, hilarity ensures. Honorable Mention: Ben's motorcycle accident

Biggest in-season story - TO nearly commits "suicide", PRlarity ensues. Honorable Mention: San Diego Chargers linebacker Steve Foley getting shot by a police officer

Best quote - Unemployed Head Coach Dennis Green commenting after his loss to the Bears on MNF in Week 6: "The Bears are who we thought they were! Now, if you want to crown them, then crown (them)! But they are who they thought they were! And we let them off the hook!"

The Longest Yard Award - Cincinnati Bengals - 8 players arrested in 2006

Most Listed QB - Oakland's Andy Walter - 53.3% passing, 3 TDs, 13 INTs in 8 starts

Week 16 AFC Recap

By Gary Ashley
AFC Correspondent/Frequent Flyer

Baltimore at Pittsburgh - At this point we can look back at the Steelers season and have many causes for their lack of playoff contention this season. Personally, I blame it on those pink and white #7 Steelers jerseys that the girls wear. I know the marketing department was trying to appeal to the whole "Breast Cancer Survivor" demographic, but your girlfriend looks hot enough in a regular Steelers jersey as it is. Before I go too far off on a tangent, Baltimore came into Pittsburgh today and crushed any beliefs and aspirations of a repeat Super Bowl. Ben was apperently wearing the Pink #7 jersey getting sacked 5 times, also throwing for 156 yds, 2 INTs, and a lone TD to Heath Miller. One other item of note is that Ben had 33 rushing yds, 4 more than starting running back Willie Parker. That Ron Mexico Offense plan sure is ineffective. Baltimore Birdies 31, Powder Puff Jerseys 7

Cincinnati at Denver - All Cincy had to do this week was beat Denver and they would be in the playoffs. Of course, cince (pun intended) we are talking about the Cincy Bungals, they had to go and lose this game in the most comedic of fashions. After scoring a TD with 41 seconds remaining, the Bengals proceeded to miff the tying extra point with a wide right missnap. They proceeded to be called offside on the ensuing onside kick, thus adding this game to the NFL Benny Hill Reel. Denver forced 4 turnovers: 2 INTs by Carson *Late Late Show with that Scottish Guy* Palmer and 2 fumbles by Johnson & Johnson, Rudi and Chad respectively. Bengals MUST beat the Steelers next week to have some chance at the playoffs. That simply might happen, pink jerseys withstanding. Mile High Wild Card 24, Chucklenuts 23

NY Jets at Miami - Tony Kornheiser pulled a line from Clerks by saying "ahh I'm not even supposed to be here today!" But before I go any farther, tell me if you've read this before on this site: "____ started in his second NFL game this week for the ineffective Joey Harrington." Yep, the Lemon-scented Dolphins appeared on Christmas as Harrington was shipped to Cuba throwing 7/15 for 42 yds. Zero scoring occured in the first half, no doubt making your entire family fall asleep after setting up that huge-ass race track for your kids on Christmas morning. The only highlight of the first half was Joe Theismann picking his nose on camera. Fortunately some minimal scoring occured in the second half putting this game to a thankful end. Cleo Lemon makes his third NFL game next week for the ineffective Joey Harrington. Kissing Suzy Kolber 13, Avoiding Andrea Kramer 10

THE LIST
(of players to make New Year's Resolutions on other teams next season)

1) Greg Reedy - Lost 51-0 in Tecmo Bowl as Seattle (#5 worst team) against Gary as New England (#1 worst team) on Saturday - Now only if this game had been recorded.

2) Andy Walter - 27/37 for 226 yds, 2 INTs, 2 lost fumbles - Oakland scored its first points in primetime this season on Thursday. With field goals.

3) Derek Anderson - 10/27 for 123 yds, 4 INTs - YOUR NEW CLEVELAND BROWNS FRANCHISE QB.

4) Ron Mexico - 9/20 for 109 yds, 2 INTs, 32 rushing yds - Ron pulls a boner in this game and his brother gets a groin injury. giggity giggity.

5) Mike Saddlebag - 17/37 for 189 yds, 2 INTs - They keep playing like this, they might not make it to Super Bowl SumXLI and get beat there again.

Week 16 Quick Picks and WORST. TECMO BOWL. EVER.

(Programming Note: We are currently having some scheduling problems as to when to record the season finale of this year's radio show, we will keep you informed of any changes)

Week 16 Quick Picks

Gary Says: Baltimore over Pittsburgh, Denver over Cincinnati, NY Jets over Miami (MNF on ESPN, Joe Namath kisses Suzy)

Reedy Says: Chicago over Detroit, New Orleans over NY Giants, Dallas over Philadelphia (MNF on NBC)


Reedy stopped by my house over Christmas break and became a victim to quite possibly the largest man-to-man schlacking in the history of Tecmo Super Bowl. Reedy, playing as the Seahawks (ranked 22nd in game according to Gamefaqs), lost majorly to me as the New England Patriots, the worst ranked team that wear pink jerseys in the game. Reedy's 51-0 loss included giving up 232 yards rushing, 2 fumbles (1 recovered for a TD), 2 INTs, New England recovering an onside kick, plus getting safetied in the 2nd quarter. Gary put the backup in, an insult to injury by Tecmo Super Bowl standards.

Week 15 AFC Recap

By Gary Ashley
AFC Correspondent/Santa

Miami at Buffalo - Tell me if you've read this in a Mad Libs before: "____ started in his first NFL game this week for the ineffective Joey Harrington." This week's winner is Cleo Lemon for the Dolphins, who if he plays his cards right can be the backup QB for the team they lost to, the Buffalo Bills. Harrington stunk up the place going 5/17 for 20 yds and 2 INTs, while the Lemon-scented Dolphin went 9/16 for 96 yds. Anyone who's saying "QB Controversy in Miami" is a moron. Damn-Near Canada 21, Damn-Near Cuba 0

Houston at New England - In part 2 of this week's "QB Controversies that will never happen," David Carr threw 4 INTs to New England and cemented yet another season in the NFL Sub Club where after the 10th loss the 11th is free. Tom Brady thre 2 TDs and New England's kicker not named Vineteri acquired 16 points in a total whomping of the Texans. In a completely useless stat, Vinny Testaverde was rushed (or knocked backwards) for -4 yards. 2-Time Super Bowl QB 40, Future AFL Draft Pick 7

Cincinnati at Indianapolis - (Editor's Note: I playing a golf game and writing this section at the same time, and I saw someone with the screename of "ocho_cinco". I played the Steve Mariachi music in tribute.) Peyton Manning and the Colts wanted to prove to the cable audience that they are not some almost-perfect pushover NFL team like the Chicago Bears. Peyton Manning proved that he is still the man at QB with 4 TDs, 3 of them to Marvin Harrison because apperently he was the team's secret santa this year. With Cincy's loss that now makes all 2nd place teams in all AFC divisions at 8-6. Now's a good time in the season to crap your pants. Primetime Colts 34, Daytime Bengals 16

THE LIST
(of QBs to be ousted by the Heisman)

David Carr (16/28 for 127 yds, 4 INTs) - I hereby declare David Carr as "The Sandbag." Houston, fire this chucklef*** already.

Tie - Jon Kitna (16/26 for 135 yds, 2 INTs) and Brett Favre (20/37 for 174 yds, 3 INTs) - Two of the oldest NFL teams with two of the oldest NFL QBs.

Joey Harrington (5/17 for 20 yds, 2 INTs) - You know your career has taken a dive when you're replaced by a QB with a funnier name than yours.

Andy Walter (14/20 for 131 yds, 2 INTs) - Andy comes home once again as Oakland gets shutout for the 3rd time this season and their seventh straight loss.

HEISMAN (Draft Pick) WATCH

Oakland and Detroit both at 2-12
Tampa Bay 3-11
Cleveland, Houston, Arizona 4-10

NFC Week 15 Recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/potential wild card team

Wow, does the NFC suck. There are 6-8 teams that are in legitimate contention for playoff berths in the JV conference. Here it goes from the land of mediocrity.

Dallas at Atlanta – Actually, a pretty good game except for the fact that it was on the NFL network and Deion Sanders and Marshall Faulk had to fill in for Dick Vermeil at halftime because he couldn’t talk because of a sore throat, plus the fact Bryant Gumbel said the Saints were in the NFC West (That actually happened), is that enough? Do I need to go on? And also apparently, if you’re T.O., spitting is OK just as long as you don’t get caught, which he didn’t until after the game. You mean the NFL Network’s 38 cameras didn’t see a little loogie from 81? Michael Vick hurt his groin at the end of the game, which may not be such a bad thing, especially when your younger brother got in some serious trouble with that. Oh, and Tony Romo is still great. Dallas Spitshiners 38, Atlanta Groinpulls 28

Pittsburgh at Carolina – I think Carolina got senioritis because they sure didn’t try today even though everything they worked for this year was on the line. Chris Weinke improves to 1-17 on his career as a starter and it got so bad for Carolina, they had to put their backup in from Northwestern. Some Bazinet (French pronunciation) character. Or maybe Bill Cowher used that home cooking in Carolina to distract them. Pittsburgh “The dean of mean” Steelers 37, Carolina “We’ll see you next semester” Panthers 3

Philly at NY Giants – Some absolutely classic moments from this one. During the fourth quarter, Jeff Garcia got a taunting penalty, threw an interception to set up a go-ahead score and then went and gave a peck on the cheek to one of his fellow players. (I think that actually happened) Now, normally this would cripple a team. But fortunately, Philly was playing the Giants who promptly went out and gave up a TD on the next drive and then had Eli Manning throw an INT for another TD. Not only that, but the ball was tipped high in the air with Tiki Barber having a chance to knock it away. However, since he doesn’t want to ruin his chances for TV next year, he promptly whiffed. Sadly, the Giants will probably make the playoffs and lose in the first round. Philadelphia Freakos 38, NY not so giants 28

Random notes: A ton of backup quarterback were put in this week, including Tavaris Jackson in Minnesota, Cleo Lemon in Miami and Chris Weinke in Carolina, oh wait. He started the game, he just played like a worthless backup. Take that Heisman trophy.

Quick Picks for Week 15

We are recording the 2nd Annual TM2 Christmas Show this week (and will link you there when it's done), thereby there will not be an episode of the radio show. Here's our quick picks for the writeups:

Gary Says: Miami over Buffalo, New England over Houston, Indianapolis over Cincinnati (MNF)

Reedy Says: Pittsburgh over Carolina, Dallas over Atlanta (Saturday), NY Giants over Philadelphia

Week 14 AFC Recap

By Gary Ashley
AFC Coorespondent/Cooresponder of the AFC

Oakland at Cincinnati - Cincy posted bail and arrived in time for Coach Burt Reynolds and the Wrecking Crew to face Adam Sandler, Goldberg, Kevin Nash, and the Oakland Raiders. In the words of Mr. Sandler, Oakland got hibbity dibbity-ed this game. Carson Palmer, the only Bengal not to have a criminal record, threw 2 TDs coupled with 3 INTs, which the defense held Oakland to only 10 points. Mr. Johnson (Rudi; not Chad, Jeremi, or Carl) added two rushing touchdowns to keep Cincy's dreams of another Wild Card elimination alive. Oakland still has the dream of stealing the Heisman QB from Detroit. Caged Tigers 27, MediOakland10

Jacksonville at Indianapolis - Oh. my. Fark.com. St. Louis won a Super Bowl with a prolific offense, a domed stadium, and a sweet old lady as an owner. Indianapolis has all that except an old lady and a run defense. It's bad enough when Jacksonville's 3rd string running back has 71 yards. This game featured more mistackles than a bait shop beauty contest. This is where Indy takes a dump on their season in a most dramatic fashion. Kinda like a drama queen at the winter formal. That Florida Team; no, not that one, not that one either, yeah THAT one 44, Stag Prom Date 17

Tennessee at Houston - Vince Young returns to the team he could have played for in the city of the school which he did play for. Unlike last year Mr. Young was not preparing for finals, unlike his former season starter Kerry Collins, who had a hangover and slept through all the finals en route to a tin foil trophy of beer pong at the Phi Kappa Beta house. In keeping with the dramatic fashion, Vince Young ran 39 yards in overtime for the game winning TD, dusting his possible employer and former school location. "All my ex's live in Texas, that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee." "I can start in two weeks in TN" 26, "I'm becoming THAT GUY" 20

THE LIST
(of players to be dumped in a Starvation Army kettle)

1) The Colts Defense - 375 yds rushing allowed - It's about that time in the season where the Colts Super Bowl Bandwagon drives off a cliff and into a lake of gasoline.

2) Chris Weinke *SNICKER LOL* - 34/61 for 423 yds, 1 TD, 3 INTs - the name's too funny, no more comments needed lol...

3) Jon Kitna - 28/41 for 294 yds, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 1 fumble - Only 3 more weeks until he's a backup or unemployed.

4) Mike Vick - 3 carries for 5 yds - LaDainian Thompson is more of a QB than Mike Vick. And he also is a better running back than Mike Vick.

5) Tom Brady - 12/25 for 78 yds - Miami claims another dead giant and Brady gets listed twice this season.

Week 14 NFC Recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/St. Louis Ram special-teamer

Week 14 is in the books and sadly now there will be double the dosage of games on the NFL network. Yippie freakin skippie. It was a pretty dull week in the JV conference. Let’s do it.

NY Giants at Carolina – We had unexpected hilariousness over the fact Chris Weinke was the starter for Carolina in this game. Well, Weinke didn’t come up with anything special other than a few interceptions and even more reasons for us to make fun of his last name. By the way, Weinke is like 1-17 as a starter. What a good player. The Giants managed to stop fighting with each other for a week in order to win even though Plaxico Burress still is wondering why Eli Manning didn’t get him the ball. Then again, he’s still wondering why Big Ben didn’t get him the ball during the AFC Title game in 2005. Ouch. G-Men 27 Carolina Weinkes 13

Green Bay at San Francisco – This game would have been good in 1998. But the problem is that it’s 2006 and no one outside of Packerland or computerland saw this game. Brett Favre threw some touchdowns while Alex Smith threw some interceptions. Not too much going on in this game except Green Bay won, Mike Nolan wore the suit for the second time and Donald Driver is apparently a good receiver. Green Bay Cheddars 30, San Francisco “Dude, where’s my Dells” 19

New Orleans at Dallas – I’m guessing TO wasn’t paying much attention to the gameplan this week. Neither was Dallas’ defense. Drew Brees had massive amounts of touchdowns, yards and finger-licking as Tony Romo indeed proves you can play a game, even for Bill Parcells. Also, Romo got his gameplan from Jessica Simpson, not Parcells. At least it wasn’t Ashlee Simpson. By the way, the Saints were kneeling on the ball in the fourth quarter to prevent a pity score. Yep, Dallas is a real good team. Real good. New Orleans “For Real” Saints 42 Dallas “not yet champs” Cowboys 17

Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio both wore suits this week and Del Rio ran through the Colts. (literally) In fantasy news, my team was outted from the playoffs last week, so this week was a bye. Next week I play last year’s league champions (who just happens to be the league commissioner and my former boss) in what has been dubbed “The Jell-O bowl.” YES.

Monday Hangover Radio Show - Episode #14

On this week's chilled but not frozen edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) Thursday Night Recap: Steelers and Browns
2) NFL CrimeTime with two Bengals arrested
3) NFL Drunken Bastard of the Week
4) AFC/NFC Game Selections

Episode #14 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (16:16)

Comments? Questions? Complaints? Post a comment!

Quick Picks From the Show

Gary Says: Cincinnati over Oakland, Indianapolis over Jacksonville, and Tennessee over Houston
Reedy Says: NY Giants over Carolina, Green Bay over San Francisco, Dallas over New Orleans (SNF)

Week 13 AFC Recap

By Gary Ashley
AFC Correspondent/One Degree of Kevin Bacon

It was indeed a heartattack of a week as four games ended in game-winning field goals. Meanwhile Mike Crackerjagt is gonna get drunk and talk crap on the Cowboys. Games!

Houston at Oakland - Two teams with predictable losing records, only Houston has vanished from the moron wire started on draft day. The stats on both QBs were miserable as apperently David Carr came down with leprosey in the 2nd quarter and could not throw the ball the entire game. The same could be said to Raiders QB Aaron Brooks, but without the leprosey. Houston scores 3 FGs in the 4th quarter and 2 TDs as Oakland gets one step closer to April. The Fumblin Stumblins 23, Art Shell's Former Employer 14

Detroit at New England - And in the other team vyeing for the Heisman player to either be a bust, trade, or franchiser, Detroit maintained pace with Oakland by being blinded with SIence. Kitna's 3 INTs and 1 Fumble almost put him on The List this week, but the lone passing TD made for a simple honorable mention. Patriots Cory Dillon had 3 TDs and 26 yds rushing, no doubt advancing your fantasy team one step closer to money. New England can clinch the division next week if they win and all other 29 teams in the NFL lose, according to Sports Illustrated. Tom Brady's Wife 28, Matt Millen's Mustache 21

Seattle at Denver - I did not have a problem with the new referee uniforms up until I saw this game on television. The refs were clad in track pants, 20 extra pounds of down feather coating, and made them all look like walking, talking, penalty calling bean bag chairs. Just what your dorm needs for next semester: an elderly beanbag. Jason Elam attempted a fake field goal only to wind up injured but with 2 yds rushing. Kickers are a lot like mail order car parts: They break at the worst possible time and you're left waiting until a new one comes in. Josh Brown's 50 yd field goal sealed the win like tupperware, and Jay Cutler made his NFL debut going 10/21 for 143 yds, 2 TDs and 2 INTs. Jake Plummer broke a dashboard hula girl. 12th Man, I mean "11th Men and 1 friend" 23, Mile High Beanbags 20

THE LIST
(of QBs to be trampled during holiday shopping)

1) Brad Johnson - 11/26 for 73 yds, 4 INTs, benched - Only this time, there's no Randy Moss speaking out to the media on how much he sucks

2) Rex Grossman - 6/19 for 34 yds, 3 INTs, amazingly won - Defense wins football games.

3) Bruce Gradkowski - 20/34 for 175 yds, 3 INTs - Gruden gave him a last minute meaningless field goal in Pittsburgh. Jon Gruden is a f***in pansy.

4) David Carr - 7/14 for 32 yds, 2 lost fumbles - It's ok, it was against Oakland.

5) Aaron Brooks - 25/42 for 238 yds, 2 INTs - It's ok, it was against Houston.

Week 13 NFC Recap

By Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/3rd string NFL quarterback

San Francisco at New Orleans – The 49ers yet again revert to their 2005 form with a pretty pathetic showing in the Crescent City. Hey, at least Antonio Bryant (OF PITT) had a long touchdown catch. Reggie Bush had a whopping four touchdowns for the Saints to justify taking him with the second pick and to try and make everyone forget about Marques Colston. It’s also the first time citizens of New Orleans have cheered for someone with the last name Bush in a while. I’ll leave it at that. The team that got Reggie Bush 34, the team that could have had Reggie Bush if it would have tanked last year 10

Arizona at St. Louis – Pat Summerall announced this game so in honor, we will describe this game as Mr. Summerall would have.

Touchdown Arizona.
Flag on the play.
Leinart back to throw.
Touchdown, Larry Fitzgerald (OF PITT)
Bulger (OF CENTRAL CATHOLIC) back to throw.
Interception, St. Louis Cardinals, I mean Arizona.
Dennis Green here coaching the Vikings.
Kurt Warner’s playing for the wrong team.

And so on and so forth. Arizona wins and hereby has to drop out of the Heisman race. St. Louis Cardinals 34, St. Louis Rams 20.

Dallas at NY Giants - I think Bill Parcells should make some of my life decisions or play the lottery for me. Because he's been on quite a hot streak out of light. First, he puts Tony Romo in and then Martin Gramatica hits the game-winner today against those lovely Giants. He really needs to play the lottery for me. Meanwhile, the Giants will blame the loss on the media for writing on their notepads during the winning field goal and especially blame ESPN for sending hottie McDotties such as Rachel Nichols to cover the team and therefore distract them from the task at hand. Actually, in that case they do have a point. I'd be distracted if Rachel Nichols was always around too. What a redhead. Dallas Waiver Wires 23, New York Post 20

My fantasy team’s getting pasted this week. That’s very sad.

Fantasy thrills and spills:
Thrills: Reggie Bush (4 touchdowns all announced by Kenny Albert, YESH, JR.)
Spills: Rex Grossman (less than 40 yds, 3 INT)

Random notes: Denver can't be on Sunday Night anymore this season. Teams are only allowed on four times. Don't expect the Steelers to be on there anymore. NBC just changed their outtro replay graphic for the THIRD time this season. Denver has turned it over 5 times and the game isn't even over yet.

Monday Hangover Radio Show - Episode #13

On this week's large news edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) Thursday Night Recap: Bengals and Ravens
2) Lots of NFL Drama
3) The Super Bowl Opus
4) NFL Drunken Bastard of the Week
5) AFC/NFC Game Selections

Episode #13 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (21:24)

Comments? Questions? Complaints? Post a comment!

Quick Picks From the Show

Gary Says: Houston over Oakland, New England over Detroit, and Seattle over Denver
Reedy Says: New Orleans over San Francisco, Dallas over NY Giants, St. Louis over Arizona