AFC Week 4 Preview

Gary Ashley

AFC Correspondent/Special Teams Lackey


Cleveland at Oakland - Considered to be the NFL Wine Cellar Matchup of the Week as both teams are carrying sub-club records. This also makes the showdown of young quarterbacks playing for crappy teams as Charlie "Quarter Pounder" Frye faces the guy in Section B, Row HH, Seat 578 for Oakland. Gary Says: Cleveland scores a charity win this week with Jerry Porter laughing all the way.

San Diego at Baltimore - Whale's vagina jokes withstanding, the San Diemus Shockers hold a perfect 2-0 record with Philip Rivers not playing like either Joan or Melissa of the same last name. Baltimore has climbed to a 3-0 record under the wing of the original $6 Million Man Steve McNair, who's been repaired more times than you can say "Fiery NASCAR crash." Hopefully that won't describe his level of playing. Gary Says: Dr. Phil Rivers leads the Shockers to victory, McNair gets a fridge magnet stuck to him.

New England at Cincinnati - The ultimate showdown of Steelers bullies happens Sunday Night as John Madden will confuse Tom Brady and Carson *da na na da dah* Palmer by calling both of them Brett Favre. Tom Brady hasn't been playing on his usual overhyped level by SportsIllusionrated while Carson Palmer had a large mixed bag last week. Gary Says: I hate the Patriots more, so I'm picking Cincy.

Monday Hangover Radio Show, Episode #6

On this week's edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) "The Six Million Dollar Quarterback" opening sketch
2) Weird QB injuries
3) Madden Curse claims Shaun Alexander
4) NFL CRIMETIME!
5 AFC/NFC Game Selections

Episode #6 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (18:08)

Have any ideas for future radio show segments? Let us know in the comments area at the end of this post!

NFC Week 4 Preview

By Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/Rain Man

Not a lot of great matchups in week 4 overall. Here’s the best the NFC could come up with.

Arizona at Atlanta – Matt Leinart gets his first start of the season. Atlanta has a quarterback that has started a game before. Take a guess who I’m picking. Atlanta 28, Arizona 10.

Detroit at St. Louis – Mike Martz (Lions off. Coordinator) comes back to St. Louis to take on a team that game him at least a couple wins. Can the greatness of Jon Kitna take back the western PAness of Marc Bulger? Rams win in a battle of domers. St. Louis 27, Detroit 14

Seattle at Chicago – Shawn Alexander has a broken foot. Or maybe he does. Or maybe it’s cracked. Anyways, there is not much chance of seeing a ton of offense. Chicago 10, Seattle 7.

Week 3 AFC/NFC Recap

Gary Ashley
AFC Redunduncy Corresponder of the AFC

Earlier in the week I stated that the upcoming Tennessee-Miami game was going to be "bowling shoe ugly." Instead of just that game, the entire week of selected games in the AFC turned out that way. Here now the AFC games using the "Bowling Show Ugly" index.

Size 6 with Velcro - Tennessee at Miami - Considering how both QBs coming into this game were expected to have a QBBBQ (or Quarterback BBQ), The only messups were Kerry "99 Bananas" Collins throwing 2 INTs and Dante Culpepper being sacked 5 times. Collins went 19/33 for 269 yds and a TD on top of his two picks, while Dante crushed your fantasy team this week with 17/26 for 168 and 1 rushing TD. Tennessee's Vince Young did not make an appearance this game, meaning that the Vince Young era will begin later in the season. By that, I mean next week. Miami 13, Tennessee 10

Size 10 1/2 with Frayed Laces - Jacksonville at Indianapolis - Geography lesson for ESPN: Both are state capitals and do exist. At the rate that Jacksonville's defense is playing they will overtake Seattle for Most Boring NFL Team this season. Buy-Ron Leftwich killed your fantasy team going 16/28 for 107 yds, 1 passing and 1 rushing TD, and 2 INTs. The biggest news of this game was that Peyton Manning can actually run the ball, and did so for his first rushing TD in a LONG WHILE. This game was by no means pretty or exciting. Wake up dad after this game. Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14

Size 13 Held Together with Duc Tape and a Prayer - Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - I think the same description for the bowling shoe applies to Ben Rothlisberger also. I have two different theories on why Ben played horrible this week: 1) All of his football-playing ability (aka his "mojo") was inadvertently removed along with his appendix, or 2) In a scene from Face/Off, Tommy Maddox became Ben this Sunday going 18/39 for 208 yds and 3 INTs, while Ben became Tommy Maddox and passed for 650 yds and 9 TDs in the YMCA Flag Football Tournament. I'm going with theory #1. Carson (*Insert Berman sfx*) Palmer had a two-faced game as well, passing 18/26 for 193 yds and 4 TDs, but adding 2 INTs and 3 Fumbles. The Steelers played too much like the Bengals getting two costly stupid penalties for taunting and TD celebration. Cowher will have the AK ready in case some chuckleheads decide to do a little dance and make a lotta stupid out there on the field next week. Steelers have a bye next week which they will use to find Carmen Sandiego and Ben's mojo before reaching San Diego the following week. I'd put Reedy on the case. He was a champ at that in grade school. Cincinnati 28, Pittsburgh 20


THE LIST (of QBs that got QBBBQ'd this week)

1) Ben Rothlisberger: 18/39, 208 yds, 3 INTs
2) Kurt Warner: 19/28, 256 yds, 1 TD, 3 INTs
3) David Carr: 19/29, 208 yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT, 3 Fumbles
4) Chris Simms: 13/24, 139 yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, removed spleen

Greg Reedy
NFC Follower, however not a doctor

Carolina at Tampa Bay - Carolina nearly choked this game away in the end but thanks to John (Yes, I kept my calves warm) Kasay, the Panthers won 26-24. Let's hope the Panthers don't say their defense hits so hard they go and break your spleen! Note: Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed after the game. Peter King says he might be out 2-3 months, or for the rest of the season. What is the deal with people having body parts removed. GET STRONGER PADDING!

Green Bay at Detroit - For one day, Brett Favre came back with a vengence against the Lions but I have a feeling you could put Kordell in and he would probably do just the same. At least the Tigers won, GB 31, DET 24.

NY Giants at Seattle - It was a good day to be a defensive back, bad day to play defense. Combined, the two quarterbacks threw six interceptions (3 on each side) as Seattle routed the G-Men 42-30 in a game that should have been something like a 65-3 shallacking. Plexico Burress reverted back to his late Steeler form of dropping passes, complaining and getting benched in the second half so Amani (Please remove my) Toomer catching a touchdown. He's a hidden fantasy gem.

Fantasy update: The team won again with a 69-61 win in the ESPN League. If you know the league, 69 points mean the team didn't exactly light the world on fire. But alls that matters is scoring more than the guy (or in our league, 1 girl) you are playing. I'm now 2-1 on the season.

Fantasy thrills and spills:
Thrills: Matt Hasselback. A whopping five touchdown passes to more than likely lead my team to victory this week. Also add Javon Walker and Jake Plummer for having good numbers against the Patriots.
Spills: Tom Brady. Did he not get any respect this week from SI? Also add Kerry Collins and anyone who plays for Miami.

NFC Week 3 Preview

Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/Slippery Rock cool guy

New York Giants at Seattle – The overriding motto from this game is don’t let Jay Feely do ANYTHING! Eli Manning tries to not get behind by 17 points in the first 3 quarters, Plex tries to not yell at his teammates and Shaun Alexander just tries to avoid the Madden curse for one more week. Seattle 24, NYG 14, Jay Feely 0 for 3.

Green Bay at Detroit – Somebody has to win the game. Favre won’t throw any interception because no one on the Lions can catch. NO ONE. Jon Kitna is somehow still starting at quarterback. Green Bay 10, Detroit 3

Carolina at Tampa Bay – Chris Simms tries to throw a touchdown to his own team this time while Carolina tries to take a crap in Sports Illustrated’s Super Bowl pick this season. Tampa Bay 17, Carolina 10

AFC Week 3 Preview

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh – Carson Palmer returns to the place where he suffered from Career Threatening Injury #1 and bounced back this season. Ben Rothlisberger returns home recovering from Career Threatening Injury #4 with a low-scoring Monday night loss thanks to the Jacksonville Asspains. Chad Johnson called out Joey Porter to meet him at the 50-yard line. One place Chad hasn’t been meeting is the end zone, in which he has been blanked in the last 3 games against the Steelers. Gary says: I’m contractually forced to root for the Steelers as they engage in their Sunday afternoon season opener. Steelers, but not by much.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis – On this week’s edition of Pimp My Bandwagon, Jacksonville rolls on into Indy to add shady mirror dice, spinning rims, and more TVs in the backseat than a Best Buy heist. Look for Buy-Ron to have an ok game while being outscored by Pedigree Manning because Jacksonville is not a) playing the Steelers, b) against an injured QB, c) Tommy Maddox, d) all of the above. The hype train ends here. Gary says: Indy by two touchdowns, otherwise Jacksonville EXISTS.

Tennessee at Miami – It was a tossup between this game and the “Patroits Loser’s Bracket” match of the NY Jets at Buffalo. This clearly has more potential for humor. Here you have three starting QBs for two respective teams that have accumulated more picks than a weekend ice climber. The Vince Young era starts this weekend for the Titans. Kerry Collins will be at the Gatorade table playing flipcup. In the words of a famous wrestling announcer, this game will be “bowling shoe ugly.” Gary says: Collins gets benched, above 4 INTs total, and Miami wins with a lone touchdown and field goals. I think Jeff Fisher has a case of the Kordells (definition: defending your crappy QB until it almost costs you your job).

Monday Hangover Radio Show, Episode #5

On this week's return edition of the Monday Hangover Radio Show, now with more screaming:

1) What needs fixed with Monday Night Football
2) NFL CRIMETIME!
3) AFC/NFC Game Selections

Episode #5 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (13:50)

Have any ideas for future radio show segments? Let us know in the comments area at the end of this post!

Week 2 AFC/NFC Recap

Gary Ashley
AFC Correspondent/Phil Simms Football Geneologist

Unlike doing simple picks newspaper or gambling website-style I tend to throw an added prediction into each AFC pick on the Hangover. Last week all the games were correct with the bonus picks going 2 for 3. This week in the NFL was all about showing your O face, as most QBs has about a much yardage figuratively than a Tiger Woods tee shot. Others, about as much yardage as kicking the golf ball. To the games, please!

The Cincinnati Petting Zoo vs. The Browns with that F#$(^!#* MORON IN THE FOAM RUBBER FRENCH FRY SUIT - Seriously, was he missing from the other parts of the Extra Lame Value Meal? CBS was gracious to grace him and the Aqua Teen Brown Stains many times throughout the televisation of this game. And now to a form of ridiculous that is not self-degreading. Earlier I stated that Chad Johnson in this game would get a TD and do the chicken dance. CALLED IT, and CALLED IT. My bookie owes me $40. 3 Bengals players left the game with injuries as the Browns did their role for softening them up for a real football team to beat them next week. It felt like Cleveland's offense had a case of blue balls: They get further down the field, and just when they're ready to score they end up pulling a boner (INT, punt, etc) and they're left angry and $50 less paid on dinner. It was like Romeo Crennel was pulling from the playbook of Gil the Used Car Salesman from The Simpsons. "Ahh Gil almost had that one I could feel it!" Palmer tossed 2 TDs and 2 INTs with 352 yards passing. Rudi Johnson had 145 yards rushing with 2 TDs. This is one of those "dad falls asleep on the couch in the 3rd quarter" games. Thankfully Cleveland added two 4th quarter TDs to prevent the first Phil Dawson 3 of the season. Cincy wins the family reunion sack race thanks to having teenagers on their team. Cincinnati 34, Cleveland 17

Manning's Media Commercials vs. The Great Wall of France - The latter describing the offensive offensive line (not a typo) for the Houston Texans. David Carr was sacked 4 times falling one short of the prediction. Then again both QBs had pretty stellar games. Manning went 26 for 38 with a fantasy football team crippling 400 yards and 3 TDs. If you ask me it felt like Manning was hung like his team name. Carr added three 4th quarter TDs and 219 yards passing going 22 for 26. One thing to add: 3 fumbles. You can't throw it if you can't keep it. Adam Vinateri added 3 FGs for a total of 13 solo points. Houston added another loss. Next week, the Carr gets wrecked. Don't tell mom or dad about it.
Indianapolis 43, Houston 24

The Brady Bunch vs. Sports Guy's New Boyfriend - Sports Guy from ESPN probably ended the relationship between him and Chad Pennington as I write this. Mr. Guy, friends with benefits never works. Anyone that proclaimed that Tom Brady had an off-week last week can start the cut and paste by having an off week this week. Brady went 15 for 29, 220 yards with 1 TD, 1 INT, and 1 Fumble. Had he kicked a field goal he would have hit the cycle. Chad Pennington put up equally-impressive numbers going 22 for 37, 306 yards with 2 TDs and an INT. The Patriots running game was the difference maker with 2 rushing TDs and 147 total yards. Patriots are back to being the Second Coming, and Tom Brady is still dating SportsIllusionrated. Sports Guy, I'd stay away from any love songs for a while until this breakup heals over. New England 24, NY Jets 17

Quarterbacks that deserve to be canned faster than Oscar the Grouch this week:

1) The Monday Hangover debut of Oakland's Andrew Walter: 10/27, 162 yds, 3 INTs
2) Ever considered going to law school, Chris Simms?: 28/53, 313 yds, 3 INTs
3) Kerry Collins is a drunken hobo and your new beer pong partner: 6/19, 57 yds, 2 INTs
4) Charlie Frye goes on this list for the Fry Guy costume: 20/33, 244 yds, 2 INTs

Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/Betting Man

The NFC was filled with lame games and blowouts. Here we go.

Detroit at Chicago – Roy Williams guaranteed a victory. He also forgot he played for a Detroit Lions team that loses more than any team really should. In the meantime, the Chicago Bears found some semblance of an offense before playing a real NFL team in Minnesota next week. Chicago 34, Detroit 7

Arizona at Seattle – Consistently disappointing game with a low level of excitement, especially for fantasy owners such as myself. Arizona may never beat Seattle in the history of life. Seattle has a good game next week. Seattle 21, Arizona 10

Washington at Dallas – What was the deal with Washington forgetting the offense. In other news, TO broke a finger and the Redskins still can’t score with their offense or anything else. In other news, Drew Bledsoe is a competent quarterback at least for another week. Mark Brunell, not so much. Dallas 27, Washington 10

Fantasy thrills and spills:
Thrills: If you had a quarterback named Manning or Tomlinson.
Spills: If you started anyone from Oakland, Tampa or Tennessee.

It looks like my team will take home a victory this week to even the record at 1-1. Good times.

NFC Week 2 Preview

I’m a little late with the picks as the 1 p.m. games already started. But I still have time to do the late games.

Arizona at Seattle – Arizona gets brought down to earth unless Seattle decides to make this a soccer game. These two are the soccer champions of the NFL. Seattle wins 21-nil.

Washington at Dallas – Both of these teams lost last week and one will be 0-2 after this week. Even though it’s the Sunday night game, don’t expect too much offense. I’ll pick Dallas because it’s at Texas Stadium and Madden will have turkey in the booth. Dallas 17-7.

Detroit at Chicago – We all knew Chicago would win this game anyways. And they are. The Lions are pretty bad already and won’t be scoring any touchdowns anytime soon. Chicago in a 31-0 final.

AFC Week 2 Game Previews

Cleveland at Cincinnati – Chicken dancing withstanding, the annual Ohio Football Family Reunion happens this week in the NFL with hearty amounts of casserole, QB incapacitation, sack racing, and teabagging. Only 6 more weeks until Cleveland looks forward to next season. Gary Says: Cincy by more than 10, with Chad Johnson doing the chicken dance in the end zone regardless of TD.

Houston at Indianapolis – Houston will be playing this game like a Comcast repairman: lousy, incompetent, bringing the wrong tools, and falling asleep on your couch by the 2nd half. Indy will be looking for a High-Definition beatdown while David Carr looks up at the new lights from the ground.
Gary Says: Carr gets sacked more than 5 times and Indy wins easily.

New England at NY Jets – ESPN’s Sports Guy dumped Brady for Pennington. SportsIllusionrated claims Brady will return from an off week. Midgets will fly out of your computer and smack you with a wiffleball bat. Am I watching a bad episode of Passions turned NFL on Sunday? Neither QB is returning my phone calls or candygrams.
Gary Says: If Pennington plays like all other weeks and/or gets injured, New England wins this game by less than a touchdown. If he doesn’t, expect a blowout.

Are You Retarded?

There are times in our lives when the brain is not functioning 100% correctly. In the NFL and those associated with it this week, apperently this was either an off-week or just a normal week depending on your opinions of intellectual capacity.

Three stories were selected for this experiment to figure out if said subject was in fact, retarded. We will use a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is a miscommunication and 10 is terminal brain damage.

1) Shutout Blowout Sale - Before Chicago's Week 1 matchup with the rival Packers, a Chicago furniture store owner made a deal that would give its customers free furniture should da Bears blank the Packers for the first time in series history and in Grandpa Favre's career. Sure enough, the 26-0 blanking of the Packers lead to some empty warehouses and truckloads of furniture. All total the owner gave away $300,000 worth of free funiture to customers honoring his word. It could have been worse though; Had he owned an Ikea, you would have won $10,000 in lumber, screws, and metal rods with a bunch of instructions.
Rating: 2. The likelihood of a shutout was a rarity and made for some newsworthy news. The rating goes up if he offers it again this season, if ever.

2) Icy Hot Chicken Man - You may know Bengals Wide Receiver "Icy Hot" Chad Johnson from his brash and outspoken personality, or from his touchdown dances or being put in his place by Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward. But now you can refer to Chad Johnson as "The Chicken Man." An Ohio Oktoberfest festival is holding the world's largest chicken dance and has chosen Chad Johnson as the dance maestro of the event. Previous year's hosts have included Weird Al Yankovic, Tony Orlando, and "Mini-Me" Vern Troyer. I bet VH1 is writing the checks right now for another round of The Surreal Life.
Rating: 6. This is a generous 6 considering Mr. Johnson likes weddings, dancing, and hosting insignificant events such as this and when the Steelers beat them in the Divisional playoffs. SLAM.

3) Sports Illusionrated, the comedy writes itself - From the magazine that brought you 57 pages of beer and car ads, hot females wearing nothing but a fresh coat of Sherwin-Williams, and the proclaimation of Tom Brady as the greatest QB ever comes another round of absoludicry that is near-off the scale. In his weekly predictions SI columnist Peter King predicted Baltimore would beat Oakland 51-3 in Week 2. “The Raiders might be the worst team in the history of the world. Fitting that Aaron Brooks is the quarterback.” Worst team in the world? Mr. King I suggest you study tapes of the Washington Generals generals before you make such a statement.
Rating: 11. Never have I heard a statement where "Baltimore Ravens winning" and "51 points" were in the same sentence. And the fact that Baltimore's inadequate offense would put up that large number is a joke considering they would allow just a field goal in that game also.

Peter King, you're retarded.

Week 1 AFC/NFC Recap

Greg Reedy
NFC Correspondent/Fantasy Football Analyst

Week 1 was certainly an interesting week overall. As of Sunday night, 8 of the 13 road teams won. In the NFC, the three games I picked mostly had some pitiful performance but some surprise entertainment.

Atlanta vs. Carolina – Fantasy owners who drafted Steve Smith shrieked when it was announced he wasn’t playing. So did the Carolina players. Without Smith, Carolina’s offense didn’t show up and Jake Delhomme looked hungover from watching too much NASCAR last night. Mike Vick still didn’t complete 50 percent of his passes but he didn’t have to. A pretty blah game as Atlanta wins 20-6. By the way I did pick Carolina to win easily. Smart move, Reedman.

Seattle vs. Detroit – Well, I said this game wouldn’t be so good. And I was right. It looks like Ford Field has some hex on the Seatlle offense. In the last 2 games, the Seahawks have scored one touchdown. This looks the soccer game of the year. Detroit decided to wear those black uniforms that make no sense. Seattle got lucky, Detroit will drown their sorrows with alcohol. At least wear clothes this time. Seattle 9, Detroit 6

San Fran vs. Arizona – A surprisingly entertaining game. It looks neither team will play much defense this season. Arizona won in the dome and the 49ers still look they will win about five games. Arizona 34, San Fran 27

Also, it looks my fantasy team will suffer a defeat this week. Not a great start to the season.

Gary Ashley
AFC Correspondent/Paper Football Special Teams Coach

SportsIllusionrated's Second Coming vs. Marv Levy's Wife - Let the records show that New England won this game with safety. 2 points. More rare and less points than a field goal, but still nonetheless awesome if it's in the middle of a game. Watching Buffalo blow their lead and watching J.P. Loserman getting dropped like pennies off a skyscraper in the end zone further adds my discontempt at the Buffalo Bungels. SportsIllusionrated just named that the greatest safety in the history of all sports. New England 19, Buffalo 17

Token America's Team vs. Meat Packers Union #417 - The former not describing the managerial decisions of Matt Millen, the 1990s Dallas Cowboys, or Ricky Williams. A team that survived a disaster met one today in Cleveland, and after the first half you would expect maybe an all-expenses paid trip to the end zone for one team. That happened, fortunately, with two Cleveland TDs in the second half but a TD and FG from New Orleans. You see Cleveland, football is played in two halfs. Both Brees and Frye had almost-equal numbers. The sad part? Frye had more yards rushing than Rueben Droughns, 44 to 27 respectively. New Orleans 19, Cleveland 14

The Healthy Jets vs. The Slightly Used But With Great Mileage Titans - Kerry Collins was best off hitting the bottle than hitting receivers this week. Chad Pennington was not injured, however former Jets coach and current Chiefs coach Herm Edwards watched Trent Green get reduced to lime jello during their game, leading to possible speculation of a QB curse. Pennington went 24/39 for 219 yards and 2 TDs, while Kerry Collins went to the bathroom going 17/38 for 223 yards and 2 INTs. Tennessee's running game however did pick up 2 TDs, though they wish they could fire up the Dolerean and forget passing was ever invented in football today. NJ Jets 23, Tennessee 16

Quarterbacks that probably F*ed up your fantasy team this week:

1) Make Phil proud and go back to broadcasting school, Chris Simms: 17/29, 133 yards, 3 INTs
2) This week's sign that Brett Favre needs to retire: 15/29, 170 yards, 2 INTs
3) Trent Green, while living: 11/15, 90 yards, 1 INT. Trent Green as oatmeal: N/A
4) Either QB (Mike Saddlebag or John "The Backup" Kitna) in the Seattle/Detroit game

Monday Hangover Radio Show, Episode #3

On this week's edition of the Saturday Monday Hangover Radio Show (now with 300% better audio!):

1) Steelers/Dolphins recap, and why Nick Saban sucks at challenging plays
2) Reedy's word associations with Myron Cope*
3) Lame Aging rock bands at high school openers

Episode #3 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (17:04)

Have any ideas for future radio show segments? Let us know in the comments area at the end of this post!

*Myron Cope provided by the Myron Cope Soundboard

AFC Game Previews for Week 1

While I'm a bit irritated over Reedy being able to cover the 2nd matchup of Espanol Futbol El Sucko to determine El Que Aspira El La mayoría, the AFC games for Hangover coverage this week maintain a small shred of intrigue like the cheese on Chef Boyardee pizza.

Hope vs. Hype - Buffalo at New England- Judas P. Losman comes into New England to face SI's second coming, Tom Brady. Coming off their 7th consecutive Super Bowl victory according to SI, New England hopes to put the total hurt on the Bills in an effort to get Tom Brady's wife in the swimsuit edition. Marv Levy's wife, a thankful absence in the issue. Gary Says: New England by double digits. Sports Illusionrated says: New England 106, Buffalo 3

The Mega Disasters Collide - New Orleans at Cleveland - One is a team recovering last year from a major disaster that left the city and team questioning their future. The other, is the New Orleans Saints. The Sainted Love is back with noticeable signs of improvement with both Drew Brees and Reggie Bush on the team. As for the Browns, starting for the injury-plagued roster at nose tackle will be a cardboard standup of Jenny McCarthy. McCarthyism is back in Cleveland! Gary Says: Saints might get an opening day win, unless Cleveland relies on the Phil Dawson 3. For now, he picks the Saints.

Gas up the Cart - NJ Jets at Tennessee - Call your bookie right now and request 5-1 odds that a quarterback will be injured in this game. Call your bookie again and tell him to place 1-78 odds that Jets fans will scream at the new rookie head coach regardless of win or loss. Should Billy Bo Bob Volek gets injured, he at least can rely on both Vince Young and Kerry Collins. The Jets will have Chad Pennington, and should he get injured rely on Kellen Clemens (WHO?) and Patrick Ramsey. In short: Pennington gets injured, there goes your season. Gary Says: The Jets, but only if Pennington doesn't leave the game at all.

NFC Game Previews For Week 1

In my somewhat incredible coverage of the JV conference (the NFC) I thought it would be a good idea to preview the three games I will be later reviewing each week. This will be a good time.

A game that’s actually good: Atlanta vs. Carolina. – Keyshawn Johnson makes his debut for the Panthers while Michael Vick struggles to get over 150 passing yards. Do NOT start him this week unless you are either desperate or stupid. I should expect Carolina to win this game pretty easily. Atlanta is overrated.

A game that’s not so good: Seattle vs. Detroit – I think the NFL will be playing bad jokes on Seattle all season for blatantly criticizing the officials after Super Bowl XL. Look where their first game is. Ford Field. Where was last year’s Super Bowl? Ford Field. Considering there are FOUR prime-time games this week, they couldn’t fit the defending NFC Champs in one of them? Seattle will blow out the Lions. Detroit has Jon Kitna starting. Cover your eyes, now.

A game that’s so bad it’s good: San Francisco vs. Arizona – This was arguably one of the Hangover’s favorite games from last season for the sheer fact that it was A) played in Mexico, B) had almost nothing but field goals and C) was played in a stadium that primarily hosts soccer matches. Expect a lot of the same here. Arizona should win because it looks like they actually went and assembled an offense during the off-season.

NFL CrimeTime!

As a public service to the fine citizens in all NFL cities and for the coal to add to late show monologue fire, I am here to present the first of what will hope to be reports of the marriage between criminal activity and professional sports.

Aren't you glad you bought that police scanner, after all?

Detroit Lions - assistant defensive line coach Joe Mullen was arrested August 24th in Dearborn, MI after driving while intoxicated. Touchdown. Extra point: and naked. The police report claims he was .04 over the state's legal limit and no mention was made of whether or not he was driving a stick. As to how exactly Mullen got into his birthday suit, a valid explanation would be that drinking is better when naked. Cullen apologized to the team in a written statement: “I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused. These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won’t happen again.’’
I give it 3 weeks.

San Diego Chargers - Chargers linebacker Steve Foley was shot by San Diego police officer Aaron Mansker near his suburban home and is out for the season, thus coinciding with our "Massive Injuries Not Caused By Football" report. Foley was driving at speeds up to 90 mph when Mansker, who was off duty, persued Foley until he stopped near his home. Foley confronted Mansker, resulting in warning shots to avoid pulling a Judd Nelson in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Mansker shot Foley and as of this writing he is in stable condition. What is it with alcohol and pro football these days? Are they more like a marriage or a frequent cat house visitor? Santonio Holmes gives no comment on that joke.

Denver Broncos - Further proving that Colorado is a hot bed for crime, Broncos QB and reigning NFL Ugly Beard champion Jake Plummer will not face a trial in a road rage incident with victim Doug Stone last April. The case is over Stone asking Plummer for a $26 check to repair his license plate holder on his 1992 Ford Ranger. The entire incident occured when Plummer cut in front of Stone, and then later apologized, causing Stone to bump Plummer's back end Jeff Garcia-style and smash his own license plate holder.
This crime story is lame because no alcohol is involved.
The last time an event involving a Bronco, a highway, and two vehicles happened in California and was blown way out of proportion that this.

That does it for this edition of NFL CrimeTime. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to fire up the Delorean and return that last joke to 1994.

Monday Hangover Radio Show, Episode #2

On this week's edition of the Saturday Monday Hangover Radio Show:

1) Surviving your fantasy football draft
2) AN EXCLUSIVE interview with former Pittsburgh Steelers radio broadcaster Myron Cope*
3) The Ben Tuman impersonator

Episode #2 - Monday Hangover Radio Show (19:37)
Interview with Myron Cope (2:30)

Let us know how we're doing on the radio show, post your remarks in the comments section below!

*Myron Cope supplied by The Official Myron Cope Soundboard